Dear 2010, I was not sad to see you end. It's nothing personal against you. I know you didn't hurt me on purpose.

A few nights ago, one of the last nights of 2010, I stopped to look up at the stars for the first time in what seemed like months. I had just gotten home from seeing Black Swan* with my brother and since we had seen a late show, everything  was silent and asleep when I returned to the farm (Johnny had gone out with a friend after the movie). This is what I love most about growing up on a farm. It is quiet and you can see the stars.

It was a clear night and I could see an endless starscape spread out above my head. And as I looked up and thought about how the year was coming to an end, I didn't feel profoundly moved by the beauty of the universe or its grand expanse (which I learned all about in Astronomy last semester**) that makes human lives feel tiny and insignificant. I didn't feel anything. It was cold, damn it. I didn't want to hang around staring at the sky just to have some meaningful moment to write about in my blog.

So I went inside.

And that was when I had the profound revelation about my life.

Ok, no. Not really. But the point of this story was to say that I could have ended 2010 gazing up at the stars and seeing hope in them. Instead I ended 2010 by looking up at the stars and feeling nothing but cold.

(And watch now as I make this have deep meaning in my life)

I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions. To make a resolution is to resolve some aspect of your life and, honestly, at this point in my life and after the year that I just had, I cannot picture myself resolving my problems neatly in one year and tying them up in a cute little bow. No, I don't make any resolutions. I just need to make one important New Years wish.

I wish that throughout this year I will always be able to look up at the stars and feel something. And I wish that when 2011 comes to an end, I will be able to look up at the stars and feel hope for the coming year.

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That's it for today. My first real blog post in months. I stopped blogging only a few days into last semester. And I know it's a cliche to say this, but so much has happened since then. I read over that last post and it actually pained me to see how far I had fallen in just four months. But now all I can do is sigh and try to move on into better and brighter things.



*Good film. I don't have much to say about it because I am not a film expert and don't know technical terms. Visually and dramatically I thought the movie was stunning, very effective. However, my mother made an honest observation: upon hearing that the movie was about the psychological deterioration and breakdown of a young woman she said, "Oh, great. That's just what my two children who are in therapy need to see."

**The worst class I have ever taken in college. I took it to fulfill a lab science requirement thinking it would be easy. I didn't realize astronomy involves physics, which I have never taken before and know nothing about. Needless to say I was happy to make it out with a B+.