Sitting in Starbucks while emotionally unstable is not recommended.

I hate expectations. They ruin everything.

Here is something I don't tell a lot of people: I am the ultimate dreamer. Maybe it's just a mild form of mental illness, but I dream so much that sometimes I think something I've thought up in my head actually happened. Then, I catch myself and it's like the end of a Disney movie. At the end of a classic Disney movie (especially a princess movie...I'm partial to princess stories because I grew up with a vagina), you switch off the TV and sigh because you know the real world is absolutely nothing like Disney. It's the same when I catch myself believing in a daydream.

It's hard for me to sit here in Starbucks and exist in reality at the moment. I've been living in my imaginary world for a long time. It's my refuge. I go there when things in real life get too hard. And sometimes it's really hard to come back to reality. This past year has been spent almost entirely in my head, hiding in the pearly light of What If's. And I know my daydream land is one of the only reasons I actually made it through the past 12 months.

First semester, even my daydream land was dark and scary. But since January, I've been living in one specific daydream - moving to England.

Yes, this daydream will become a reality in a few months...but getting there has been really hard. Real life is impossible to escape. And right now everything is a mess. I am broke, trying to save money for England but failing. I am incapable of having any sort of healthy relationship with anyone let alone a guy. Living with my family has brought up all of our old issues that made the first 18 years of my life so emotionally draining. And I keep making horrible decisions and screwing myself over. I swear I'm not trying to self-destruct, but everything I've done lately has been wrong.

I want to just curl up under the covers and live in my dreamland...but every time I close my eyes I keep replaying the awful scenes from my real life.