Rambling Thoughts

I am at home, sick with a perfectly ordinary cold with some extra flu-like symptoms thrown in to make me extra miserable. Naturally, I am using this as an excuse not to work on my coursework  and instead taking the opportunity to write a little something for this blog. I don't have anything specific to write about because I am too lazy to review the book I've read most recently (and I need a second read-through to form more coherent thoughts on it). So today I will just settle for writing out some rambling thoughts.

My MA program is drawing to a close in a few weeks - my taught courses will end and I will be sent off for 6 months to write the dissertation. I have a supervisor of course to guide me along so I won't be on my own, but it will definitely be a whole new challenge. This is my test-run for PhD study - as of now I'm planning to apply for programs starting in fall 2014, but first I have to complete this dissertation and make the final decision. Is academia really what I want to do with my life?

As usual I am quaking in the face of uncertainty. Another stage of my life is winding down and this time I don't have a new academic prospect waiting at the end. As of September 31 I will no longer be a student, at least for a year. I will have two degrees to keep me warm, but there's a very real possibility that I will be unemployed. Maybe I will travel. Maybe I will do volunteer work abroad. Maybe I will find a secluded cottage by the sea and write for a year, completely isolated from the turmoil of the outside world. Well, ok that last one is a bit far-fetched.

Before then, I am going home to Baltimore in 2 weeks time for a much-needed recharge. Hugh will be coming with me and it feels as though this  will determine whether my family will accept our relationship as something more than just a youthful fling. We're young of course - I'm only 22 and he's only 21 (yep I'm dating a younger man, only 10 months though; it's the curse of the fall birthdays - same year in school but he's a young September and I'm and old November) so we're only just starting our lives. But for the first time, I'm not completely on my own. Who knows where I'll end up or what my life will be, but for now I have a partner with me. There's still a lot uncertain, but I'm thinking about the future. And as I think about where to live next year and the path of my life in the near future - proximity to the people I love is a major consideration.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I am fairly certain that I will be living in England for the majority of the next five years - maybe a few months at home next year, but after that it'll most likely be England. As of now I am still planning to go for my PhD and ideally I will be either in London or Oxford. But really who knows? Plans can change at the drop of a hat. It's hard to imagine the future when everything feels so uncertain, but it's still worth thinking about. And some things I do know - I love my family and I love my boyfriend; I love literature and I love writing. I know that I feel at home in both America and England. I  know that I want to live in the country with lots of dogs and horses. I even know that I want to be a wife and mother one day. It's not a lot, but it's something. The rest is unknown and another thing I know is that not knowing is ok.

And so I'll finish my Masters and then I'll take a year off - hopefully I'll be able to focus on becoming healthy and happy; I'll take time to write and foster the important relationships in my life; and maybe I'll get to know myself and what I want more fully.

But first I need to write 2 essays, a critical survey, and a dissertation.