Sooooo..........

College? I leave very early tomorrow morning.

That is how I feel right now. Just one long, never ending ellipsis. Like this..............................................


Today is my last day at home for a long time. It's a weird feeling. I'm not walking around seeing things and feeling pangs of "this is the last time this" or "this is the last time that." Nope. I'm just sitting on the big purple couch like it's any other day.

I don't really know how to put my feelings into words. I don't really want to talk to much about how I'm feeling. Firstly, because I don't really know how to feel at the moment.



I am quite tired. I didn't go to sleep last night until 5 AM because...well, really that's just what I do. I went to my friend Hayley's apartment to see everyone one last time before leaving. But it didn't feel like a goodbye sort of night.

I walked into the apartment completely unprepared for meeting with a certain fella, who I haven't seen or spoken to in weeks. And then there he was. It's not that I didn't know how to act around him or that I felt awkward or anything. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see him and it threw me off.


Since I took most of the summer off from blogging here, I haven't really written about this yet. But...well, I don't really know what to say about it except that I hung out with a "certain fella" a lot at the beginning of the summer and then we just kind of drifted apart, as sometimes happens in life. But...I haven't confronted any feelings I've had since the ending of sorts. I just kind of went on. I didn't talk about it and I just repressed any feelings.

Now, I have a long history of repressing feelings. It's something I really struggle with. For someone who writes and journals and blogs all the time, it must seem weird for me to say that I repress my feelings because aren't I writing about them all the time? Well, in a way I am and it really does help. But I still really struggle with actually accepting my feelings be they of sorrow or loneliness or embarrassment or happiness or heartbreak.

So, to see this "certain fella" last night without warning just threw me off kilter. Then, it was made worse because of a comment he made.*

Ok, that's enough of that. I'm still glad I went to Hayley's. [I love what I overhear when I hang out with them (example: "Wait, don't use the bathroom just yet. There's cocaine in there.")] So overall it was a strange yet normal night. I kind of wish it had been different.




Now, this blog post has turned out to be........Well, just that....................

I'm going to go sit out on our back porch and just look out at our farm and love it for its beauty.







*The comment: "It's been two and a half months now."
Two and a half months ago. That's when we stopped hanging out. And that's how long he's been sober. While I was with him, he got blackout drunk several times. Then, we stop seeing each other and he gets sober. I just felt weird about it. I still do feel weird about it. I don't know what it means. I'm sure it's nothing but the timing just feels weird.

[note: we were never going out, just hanging out/hooking up a few times]