Things That Go Bump in the Night

There is something wrong with me. I've lost my appetite. I haven't eaten in two days except for a few bites of a muffin. I spent all of yesterday sleeping on the couch even though I had gotten a good amount of sleep the night before. And last night I had the worst nightmare.

I've always gotten nightmares because I have an over-active imagination (I wasn't allowed to watch crime shows until high school because I wouldn't sleep for weeks imagining someone coming into my room at night and murdering me. Scary war movies and many horror movies were fine, though, because I knew those weren't likely to happen in my real life). But this nightmare just left me shaking. It was disturbing.

In most of my nightmares, someone is trying to kill me or my loved ones. I spend way too many nights running for my life from murderers. And I always end up dead.

Last night, however, I dreamt that I was the murderer. I brutally murdered all of my family, including my extended family. And I was so cool about it. I didn't even have a reason for murdering everyone but I went into each of their rooms while they were getting ready for bed, talked to them pleasantly for a few minutes, and then murdered them for no reason. And I wrote everything down in my journal, describing every single detail of what I did to each person. They were gruesome murders, too. It turns my stomach.

Then, after I murdered all these people, I just went back to bed as if nothing had happened. The next morning when one of the few survivors discovered all the murders, I felt nothing. I just told the police I hadn't seen anything and went on with my life.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I dream something so horrific?! That is just not normal.

I'm not mad at my family. We aren't fighting. We're on good terms. I don't want to kill anyone! I couldn't kill anyone if I tried. I can't even eat meat because I am so sensitive to life. What the hell is wrong with me?

And now I just feel like my whole day is ruined before it's even begun. It's my sister's birthday. She is 24 today (how is she so old?!). We are going out to dinner later but I have to spend the day packing for college, which is turning into a different sort of nightmare. I'm still shaken from my dream (I woke up an hour ago), I can barely do anything. Maybe packing will distract me by focusing on small things.

Deep breath. It was just a dream. And off I go.