Distressed

I hate to do this. I'm still behind on NaNoWriMo even though I wrote ten thousand words Wednesday night (I didn't sleep). And I've just run out of ideas. I don't really like my story. I've been jumping back and forth in the narrative. I've switched narrators three times. I've jumped forward and backward in my characters' lives. Nothing is working. I jut can't get these characters to work with a cohesive plot. Nothing is working. I'm at 15,000. I wanted to get to 25,000 today. I skipped my class and my volunteer hours to write all day long. I just thought I would force myself. But the more I work on it the more I just want to change my novel completely. It's just so disheartening.

I know it's just a stupid dare. NaNoWriMo isn't the end of the world. A lot of people are busy during the month of November. Most people can't write 50,000 words in 30 days.

But to me it's different.

Writing is what I love to do. I've always looked forward to NaNoWriMo. I know I can write 50,000 words in a month because I've done it 3 times already and I loved the experience. I'm a writer. I love to write. It's what I want to do with my life. And it sucks that I'm failing right now.

I've failed at so many other things in my life but I've always been a writer. And now it feels like I've lost writing, too.

I don't want to give up and I don't want to fail but I just can't see anything working this year.



And on top of all this, I'm trying to work out my schedule for next semester. I'm taking 19 credits (6 classes) and it is the most awful schedule ever. Not only are the class times horrible but the actual classes suck. I'm trying to finish my core so I have to take boring science and history classes. Normally I would be fine with this because I can balance it out with fun classes for my majors. But next semester my required classes for my English major and my Journalism major are bother horrible.

I have 8 AM Spanish Monday through Thursday. Monday and Wednesday my classes go until after 6 PM. The only redeeming part of my schedule is that I don't have anything on Friday.

I'm just grumpy. I just want to play the piano but I feel like I need to force myself to write today. But at the same time it's just making me feel horrible and I don't deserve that. Argh!