February 2011 vs February 2012

On Friday I got lunch with my friend Spencer at a cute little cafe by my house. I ordered a tuna melt, of course. We read the new issue of British Cosmo (only to discover that the British version isn't full of ridiculous sex advice like the American one, or at least this issue wasn't). And we talked about Valentine's Day.

"So what did you do last year on Valentine's Day? Who were you thinking of?" Spencer asked.

I just laughed in her face. I'm pretty sure I was thinking of killing myself. And I think I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. My parents may or may not have threatened to pull me out of school...it was really romantic. 

Actually, I don't remember the specific day, February 14, 2011, but that was the theme of last winter so when I look back on November-April of last year all that comes to mind is that scenario on repeat for six months. It's funny now, a year later, to look back on that time and realise that I let the details of my life just slip away, swallowed up by the sickly darkness of my depression. I don't even remember my classes very well. All I remember from those six months is snow, crying in my shrink's office, and sitting alone on my bed wishing I didn't exist. I've blacked out everything else.

What a difference a year makes. This year I have a big spoon, but I have been very careful about avoiding anything Valentine's Day related. It will be just another Tuesday filled with stress over my essays. I've only been dating Big Spoon for a month or two* so Valentine's Day really couldn't have come at a more awkward time. In general, however, I don't really see the point of worrying about the holiday. For couples in serious relationships I think it's a nice holiday, and I like the idea of a day set aside for loved ones. But my holiday will consist of stress, Jacobean revenge tragedies, and chocolate. After Valentine's Day, however, I have decided to have the official "what is this-where are we" talk with Big Spoon, so I am mildly terrified about that.


*A month from our first official date, but we've been "talking"/"hooking up"(to use the most ambiguous terms) since my birthday.