Restless

There has been a lot going on in my life and yet at the same time nothing at all. I'm a college student. Sometimes I feel like my life just isn't real. It's all just so ridiculous sometimes. Let's look at some examples:

- Last weekend started with a Thirsty Thursday event in Kenny's room. He invited his friends Stephen and Alan. We ended up having a dance party...a topless dance party because college has brought out my inherent sluttiness a lot more than I expected (bras on, of course, not that slutty but still there was a lot of dirty dancing that night). We knew this kids Stephen for one night. The next night he caused our floor to erupt in drama. He broke up the established couple of the floor. He started a horrible rumor about our friends. He ended a friendship between two girls on the floor. And all of this exploded at 1 AM, on a street corner, in the rain. I ended up sitting on the sidewalk crying [I was already emotional because of drama from home that I won't get into].

- I was elected Condom Queen on my floor. I had to pick up the bag filled with at least fifty condoms from Health Services and then I took them with me to class. I spent an hour discussing the encomienda system with a bag filled with condoms with me. There is also a drawing of a flying dick with an actual condom taped to the drawing and a pamphlet on how to use a condom (complete with illustrations) on my door.

- One of the friends I've made at college is now spending all her time with the boy I hooked up with for three weeks. I care but I don't care at the same time. Because it's college. He is into Michele now. I'm not even on his radar anymore. But we're still friends. Sometimes I really care because this situation feels so familiar (hooking up with a guy and then being forgotten about). But most of the time I just act like nothing ever happened, like nothing's weird about the situation. And, yes, this is partly because I am a champion repressor of emotions. But, also, I just feel like I'm not living in the real world where this situation would be fucked up. At college, it doesn't bother me because it's college.

- Last night we went to a Playboy themed party. Most of the time the themes are a little more clever. We're still expected to dress like whores but we have to be creative. For this party, the whole theme was to just dress like a whore. Girls showed up in just lingerie. I wore leggings and a shirt, no pants. The night was spent grinding with complete strangers, flirting with the bartender, smoking too many cigarettes outside and making friends with John the security man. By the end of the night I was soaked through with beer. And I thought it was a really fun night.

- We've only been here for a month. I've only known these people for a month. It seems impossible because time has never moved so slow. It's non-stop here. Every second I am with my friends. There is always something going on. When I look back and try to map out my time here, what I did each day and each night, I can't because everything runs together. One drunken frat party and then another.


I feel like a different person here. Or rather I'm just a version of myself here that I would only occassionally take on at home. I love a lot about these experiences but I do miss somethings. I don't want things to change too much but already I've let things get away from me. I'm not reading every night anymore. I'm not writing, here or at all. I want to change this. Starting now.

I am going to do NanoWrimo this year. Originally I thought I could never do it at college but I think I need to. It will get me back to my old self a little bit. I'm changing my major so that I can have a Creative Writing minor. I need to get back to writing. This will be my fourth NanoWrimo and I'm not about to make it the only one I've failed. I need to get excited about writing again.

Also, in important headline news. I'm trying out for the equestrian team next week. I've thought a lot about it and yet at the same time I haven't fully considered everything. I don't want to talk about it right now (see above portion about repressing emotions, this story is how it all began) but there is something hiding just below the surface here that needs to be confronted before I get back on a horse.


I feel restless right now. I'm loving college. Yes, I've changed a little but I like that I'm exploring new parts of myself and having more fun. But I can't forget who I am. College is really feeding the beast for me right now, the beast being my problems with repressing emotions. I'm going to try to find more of a balance.