In my last post, I talk about how I've been remembering my high school years a lot recently. It's nice to be able to look back on my teenage years in a positive light and I know it's because the the distance has let some of the painful memories fade. And so I keep telling myself that if I just wait patiently, eventually the painful memories of the past three years of my life will also fade. Hopefully one day I will be able to look back on my college years with fondness as well. But the truth is that, right now, that day feels a light-year away.
I am trying to graduate this summer and so I have been working with SU to get everything sorted out. It's been a frustrating mess of paperwork, annoying emails, and unhelpful administrators. This whole ordeal has also meant that, for the past month, my thoughts have been constantly forced back to SU. I keep reliving all of the painful memories from the two years I spent on its campus. Obviously this has not been a pleasant experience - I do not like to dwell on the past; I want to move on with my life. But I can't. Not until I have completed a Bachelor of Arts degree.
The whole process has been emotionally exhausting. And I just keep thinking, This isn't how graduation is supposed to feel. Graduating from college should be happy and exciting. My parents' eyes should be filling with tears of pride and joy as they watch me receive my diploma - their baby all grown up, all four of their children college graduates. But instead I just get headaches and an onslaught of sad memories.
What upsets me the most about graduation is that I don't have any happy memories of my college years to look back on. I didn't get the fun, crazy college experience - parties, friends, Greek life, school spirit, drunken embarrassment, and debauchery. Instead I just got crazy - depression, depression, a little bit of substance abuse, more depression, anxiety attacks, and expensive psychiatry bills. It's like if the show Greek had been made by the creators of The Wire. I had the same college lifestyle of parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. but there was no rosy, ABC/Disney glow. Instead it was cast in bleak, gritty HBO realism.
And even though I've moved on - I've moved to England and life is good. I can't help feeling upset. I feel like I'm fourteen again crying because my parents wouldn't let me go to the school dance - I feel like stomping my feet and screaming, It's just not fair!
Now, I probably wouldn't have had fun at the dance. I was nerdy and unpopular and girls in middle school were vicious. I probably would have been miserable - no one would have wanted to dance with me, hell I would have been too awkward and scared to dance. But in my mind I imagined everyone at the dance without me having a jolly good time - it was a scene straight from a Disney movie starring Hilary Duff.
And I know the same is true about the college experience - I'm not missing out on anything important and I have this unrealistic, fantasised idea of what if is supposed to be like. But I see all of my friends on Facebook from Syracuse and elsewhere posting updates from their own college experiences and they all seem happy. I talk to my best friends from home who go to UMD and W&M and other colleges like SU and they tell me stories of their fun shenanigans. Yes, there's stress and other un-fun things thrown in, but they keep saying how they don't want to be seniors and have it all end. They love college - they made life-long friends and hilarious memories.
I missed out on all of that. I'm happy to be graduating. I just want college to end so I can move on with my life. It hurts to look back on my college experience - I only see pain and heartbreak and lost friendships - and that's not fair. I should have had four years of stupid, drunken memories. It's not fair that my depression took my college years and turned them into a depressing, HBO drama (maybe it's critically acclaimed but no one watches The Wire to cheer up and remember the good ole days of their youth)
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