HUGS

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not anyone can actually help people in this world. I just wrote up a blog post including a page from my private journal but I don't think I can post it.* Suffice it to say, I've been struggling with my conflicted feelings over not being able to help my friends even as I don't let my friends help me.

Instead of grappling with that issue I'm going to focus my attention elsewhere. Specifically, HUGS.

I am not a touchy-feely person. I am not really a HUGS person. I'm sure this is deeply rooted in the psychological damage caused by may parents' emotional detachment** but I am just not comfortable with haphazard hugs.

I am not against all hugs. I hug my close friends all the time. I love a good hug from one of my girls. But I am just not a HUGGY person. Some people are just HUGGY. Like Sam and Julia. Very HUGGY. They hug everyone. They put down their trays in the dining hall to give huge, enthusiastic hugs. They hug everyone.

They are also be cuddlers and it's the same situation for me. I like to snuggle but only with whom people I'm really comfortable. I love to snuggle with my best friends but I'm not one of those people always cuddling with everyone.

I think it's because I'm more reserved. I don't mean I'm a shy person. I just mean that it takes a lot to get to know me. I'm easy to be friends with but I'm hard to get to know. It's a defense mechanism. I can't just be one of those girls who runs down the hall to give hugs to everyone even my friends. I'm not one of those girls who tells everyone "I love you!" *kisses!*

Once I get to that level with my friends it means something.*** Just because I don't run around telling everyone I love them and giving crazy hugs doesn't mean I'm cold and heartless. Just because Sarah and Maria run around hugging and snuggling with everyone doesn't mean that they are better friends. A lot of it is fake. When I give a HUG (all caps), it's real.



*It delved a little too deeply into my depression, which is something I prefer to deal with privately.

**Is it weird that I honestly can't let my parents touch me? And that sounds more cryptic than it is. I mean I can't sit too close to my parents on the couch and stuff like that. My dad likes to come up and just grab me affectionately but I always jump away. I physically cannot let my parents near me and yet all I want is for my parents to be emotionally closer. Just another issue to talk to the therapist about.

***Even with guys, it's this way. I'll admit that I am perfectly fine having sex with someone with whom I'm not that close (I know I shouldn't admit that and it's not like I'm a slut or anything but I have a sex life) but for me to actually be comfortable enough to be touchy-feely and affectionate takes a lot more.