The amazing Hayley G. Hoover wrote up an amazing blog post yesterday and it served two purposes for me. First, it was on a topic very significant in my life. And second, it reminded me that it's still April and I need to keep blogging even though I've already lost the challenge.
Hayley's blog was about depression. I've already written several personal blog posts this month about my own struggle. I wasn't planning on writing another one but when I read Hayley's blog, it reminded me of something that happened recently that was really meaningful.
The thing about my depression is that even though I don't write about it a lot on my blog, it is something I deal with virtually every day. Some days it's harder than others. I wake up and I just have to try so hard to be happy. With depression, I have to try to be happy. I try so hard. And sometimes by the end of the day I just give up.
It's an odd thing to describe without sounding melodramatic but sometimes at the end of the day I just give up trying to be happy. That's the point where I normally have to distract myself with something, keep my mind occupied. Or I go find people to be with, not necessarily to confide in but just to be around. Being alone is dangerous for me.
Well, on Friday night I was feeling worn out. It was just one of those times that I couldn't try to be happy anymore and just had to give up. I should have gone and found a friend or found something to cheer myself up but even that was too much. At these moments I've found two things that help. I can play the piano or I can write. I have no piano at school and so instead I just started to write. It helps a lot to write, to put feelings into words, but at first it just makes it all feel much more real and raw. That's where I was when my phone rang.
Now, I don't know exactly what I believe in. I consider myself an agnostic. I don't know how I feel about religion but sometimes I have to acknowledge that maybe there is a greater power. Because sometimes you get a phone call at the very moment when you need it the most and you have to think that someone or something, God or your guardian angel or just the universe, was looking out for you.
I think something told Jocelyn that I needed her at that moment. She said she didn't have any particular reason to call except that she loved me and wanted to make sure I had a good day. She didn't know I was alone and struggling. I think somehow God or whatever power is in the universe knew I needed my best friend more than ever at that moment.
When I answered the phone, just the sound of my best friend's voice brought tears to my eyes. Jocelyn knew right away something was wrong and she knows enough about my depression to recognize it just from how I sighed and stuttered when she asked what was up.
"Are you feeling sad and you can't get happy again?" she asked. And that's exactly what it is. When I fall into a depressive state I just feel overwhelmingly sad and I feel like I'll never be happy again.
Then, Jocie said the one thing that I needed hear more than anything else in the world."Well, you know I love you, right?"
And even though it's hard having my best friend two hundred miles away, sometimes Godorwhatever just makes sure she's there for me when I need her the most. I know it's hard for my friends and it's something that plagues me as I struggle with my depression. I've listened to Jocie and Julia cry (even sometimes yell at me) and tell me that I was breaking their hearts. They want me to be happy. They want to help me. But all they can do is love me. That's how I get through my depression. My friends save me even when I think I'm beyond saving.
When Jocie called on Friday night, she saved me just by loving me.
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