Not Outside

Today I have more than five minutes to write this blog. I am sitting on my bed and the window is open letting in sunlight and a light spring breeze. I can hear the voices of my friends down below on the lawn carried up seven floors by the aforementioned breeze. It is a relaxing moment right now. Part of me wishes I could be outside with my friends, sharing their laughter*, and soaking in the rare Syracuse sunshine.

But there are two reasons I cannot be out there with my friends. First, I slept in my contacts last night, which has left my eyes so dry that the direct sunlight is painful. Luckily, I still have my eye drops from my horrid eye infections of February and March**. I am wearing my new, nerdy-but-cute*** glasses and hopefully my eyes will feel better after a few days.

The second reason I am not outside with my friends right now is because I have an entire module to do this afternoon, start to finish.

I am determined to finish my work fairly early. I have great motivation. John Green and David Levithan's new book Will Grayson, Will Grayson came in the mail yesterday. It is sitting on my desk just begging to be read.

I feel like I should record the past few days. I started to write up a full blog post about Friday night but didn't have time to follow through. Today, however, I will not take the easy way out.

Weekends in college mean alcohol. This weekend meant alcohol, good friends, and Gautam's birthday. ****

It was a memorable weekend. I don't feel like I can recount most of it because basically it was all the same--hanging out with friends. There were some moments that stood out, however.


My post on Friday explained briefly my history with depression. I ended the post with a quip about drinking away my feelings. Well, I should have known better. I'm not new to dealing with depression. I should have known that I was due for an emotional breakdown. This one occured in the bathroom at 1 AM. I ended up crying to Julia, "I don't want to go to a mental hospital. I don't want to be like Johnny."

There's something about alcohol that brings the most deeply hidden secrets to the surface, the secrets that you don't even admit to yourself because they are so scary. Anyone who has depression knows the secrets to which I am referring.

Julia and I were crying in the hallway. Our friends were in Gautam's room drinking champagne and cheering for his birthday. Then, we heard shattering glass and saw Keeling crash through the glass doors at the end of the hallway. My glass had shattered and I am still reeling.

Tomorrow, I will tell the other part of my weekend.



*There is an inordinate amount of laughter as they ate shrooms and are enjoying their trips.

**Two months. Five eye infections.

***Not too hipster or anything. They have black frames and definitely look nerdy but they aren't hipster glasses. I admit that I am definitely a hipster in many ways but I don't like to just conform to the image.

****Did not know I had this old Nelly Fortado song on my iTunes. All Good Things.