It's April. That means it is time to delude myself into believing that this mode of expression has real worth. Which is to say that I will once again be attempting BEDA (Blog Every Day in April).
I'm not going to acknowledge the long hiatus I took from writing. I'm not going to give any reasons or explain what my life has been like since last we spoke. I'm just going to move forward because really that's all we can do in this life.
And so, without further ado, here is a blog post on this the very first day of April in the year 2011:
Thoughts for Today
1. I do not care for April Fools Day. The whole point of pranks is that they be unexplained and unanticipated. People expect pranks on April Fools Day...so they aren't true pranks. April Fools pranks know that they are a performance. The people pulling the pranks and the subjects know the pranks are performances. A true prank should be an unacknowledged performance*.
2. Today is Opening Day at Camden Yards for the Orioles season. There is so much hope in this day. As of right now, we have the whole season spread out before us. Anything could happen. We are, as of now, undefeated. We could be anything. And that hope is what makes the game of baseball so worthwhile. Maybe** our dreams of victory and championships won't be realized but that doesn't make this hopeful feeling any less real. Hope and Opening Day are not about end results. It's about coming together to believe in the What If. It is an extended state of the subjunctive. And it can be endless because it does not have to exist in the definitive just yet.
3. People say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. That is crap. For example, I readily admit that I have many problems. I am about to spend $63.40 on clothes that I do not need. The purchase will take my bank account balance into the single digits. I know this is the wrong thing to do. I know that my overspending is a problem. But I'm not about to stop shopping. I don't even want to stop. Right now, I shop for the same reasons I drink and I smoke. I know my life choices are unhealthy and irrational. But they are choices, problematic choices but still choices. I am asserting my own personal angency and authority because that's all I have.
4. Sometimes I wonder how I appear to strangers on the street. Today, I am wearing my favorite purple Chucks with leggings and a very pink T-shirt. This is a "Relaxed, Girly, and Alternative" look. Then, on top of that, I am sporting my Orioles cap in honor of Opening Day and I have feathers in my hair (blue and white; I've had them in since spring break). Perhaps some people can go out into the world and not feel conscious of the appearance they are projecting, but I am always acutely aware of how every time I am in the company of strangers, I am exerting an image, however fleeting. And although we profess to just leave the house without putting much thought into our clothes, even that assertion shows a facet of our identity. So today as strangers passed me on the street they glimpsed an image of my identity in that moment, made up of stereotypes and assumptions but also containing truth. Because wherever we go, whatever we wear, we are still ourselves, even in the passing glance of a stranger.
*I think I've been taking my Performance Studies class too seriously because I can actually imagine April Fools Day as a great subject for performance analysis. Schechner and Brecht and Turner are jumping into my mind at very odd times these days.
**Most likely...We're talking about the Baltimore Orioles here.
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