This post was pre-written on Friday night while waiting for my brother to arrive so we could go out and rage and/or blaze. Siblings bonding in real life.

Thoughts:

1. Today I watched Food, Inc. a documentary about the food industry in America. Now, I've read Fast Food Nation and started reading The Omnivore's Dilemna (both books' authors took part in the documentary). I've heard and researched factory farming etc. I'm a vegetarian. But honestly I can't count the number of times I was wimpering and hiding my eyes. I just can't stand watching animals get hurt. And I really, really can't stand seeing the deplorable conditions in factory farms. My heart was breaking.

2. A short thought - When you really need people to be there for you and help you through hard times, and no one is actually there, it sucks. You find out who your real friends are...and unfortunately they go to different colleges. It's been such a hard fucking year and I really wish it could have been different.

3. I know in college we aren't given summer reading but this semester I've written down every author, book, or article mentioned by my ETS professor. The list fills a whole page and I keep adding to it. This summer I am going to sit down and read all of them. Even re-read stuff like The Iliad because as an English major I have to be well-read and there are gaps in my reading. This will be the summer of Getting Smart.*

4. I really want a cigarette right now. Really, really, really. I've been smoking off and on for about 2 years. Of course I started smoking just randomly at parties. Then, I bought my first personal pack. And I tried to say I was still just a social smoker...but it became my crutch. I was never a 'pack a day' kinda smoker. But I used to need to smoke a lot just to get through the day. Some of my best friends at college were made during smoke breaks outside Day Hall. I really have gotten better and I've been trying to quit for almost a year (many failed attempts at going cold turkey). I was proud when I got to the point where I could control myself except when I was drunk, then I just couldn't fight it. But I've fallen back into smoking as a crutch. Now, I smoke when I'm upset or when I'm having a bad day. And that's where it starts because I know I'll start making up stupid excuses to have cigarettes and I'll go back to where I was a year ago.

5. I want this weekend to be fun. I feel like there's this great expectation*** and it's forcing me to hope. But I gave up on hope a long time ago**** and it hurts when life doesn't live up to expectations. I don't need to be hurt anymore this year. I just need to get through the next few weeks and go home and really try to put myself back together again. I'm like Humpty-freaking-Dumpty, here. Where are all the fucking king's men that are supposed to be helping me? Fuck it...I'm going to have a cigarette*****.



*Because up until this point I've just been playing at being smart. In order to actually be smart, I have to fill in the gaps in my reading. David Foster Wallace was once asked how he became such a genius.** He replied, "I did the required reading."

**Taken from us too soon...

***Oh, oh. See what I did there? Great expectations...like the book. Where I got the title of this blog. Get it? Pip like from the book? And my name is Pip. Clever, aren't I?

****Sorry Emo Pip slipped in there...couldn't help it. I just really want a cigarette.

*****I feel much better now...Guilt and shame will come later. Right now I just feel better.