I went for a walk today and enjoyed the cool, spring air on my face and the birds chirping.

I just watched a video which included a discussion of the state of the human person in crisis. I would definitely consider myself to be in that category. Crisis. Crisis of what? Crisis of self? Crisis of mind? Crisis of the body? Crisis of the spirit?

A crisis isn't just a traumatic event. It is also the aftermath. It is also what is set unstable by the event. A crisis is illuminating in its horror. We are forced to see what we don't want to look at. The crisis isn't just the looking or knowing; the crisis is the object, the subject. The crisis is both the before, the after, and the in-between. And in this case it is me.

This year of crisis is coming to an end. I am on the cusp of great change. This is what growing up entails - crises and changes and surviving. I'm 20 years old. I don't know where I'm going in life and the going so far hasn't been easy...but I'm going. I am uneasy in this forward motion only because I felt my personal crisis this year knock me off-kilter, off-balance, and I haven't regained my footing yet.

This is the time in a crisis that you just have to keep going, keep surviving. Maybe some crises of state or politics can be righted quickly, with one sure action. But this type of personal crisis is different. It can't be solved. It must be accepted. When I get to a point where I feel sure of myself once again I won't consider this crisis to be "righted." The crisis happened and it's part of my story and that can't be made right. It can only be made a part of a larger story. I can only learn how to keep going.


I'm scared with this semester coming to an end. I still don't know for sure what I am doing next year. I hope that I will be studying abroad in England for the year but those plans haven't been finalized. Right now, a semester and a year are coming to a close but I don't have any closure or certainty in my life. All I have are frayed edges, possibilities, and questions. But this is the time for questions and unfinished edges. Everything is being stitched into place with every passing second. I'm young. I don't have to have my whole life set in place just yet. This is the time to live in England for a year and not think about a life plan.

After a year like I just had. That's all I can do. I can go away. Live a different life for a while. And we'll see where I end up.