I can't believe I haven't written in three days. I can't believe I've only been at college for three days. Basically it's been a blur.
I feel like I should stand up at the front of the class and give a proud report about my college experiences. I picture myself with a bow in my hair, my hands behind my back, and a huge smile plastered on my face, "I'm making friends. And I haven't been roofie'd."
The only bad part so far is the weather. It's August but it's been rainy and cold compared to August in Baltimore. Yesterday I was caught in a monsoon on my way to meetings. Yes, I had meetings on a Saturday. Actually I had meetings all day from 10 AM to 5 PM yesterday. How on earth do they expect us to be alive at 10 AM on a Saturday morning? It was not a fun experience. But I did work out my schedule. I lost my clear Fridays but now I just have one class at like 11 so it's still not bad.
Ok, I'm going to work out now. It's been hard to find time to myself because I've just been going going going. Today I'm hoping to slow down and relax. Starting with my first trip to the gym.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
No, Really. College.
Yep. I am sitting in my dorm room. It's a small room but it's nice.
I felt like moving into my college dorm should have been more...something. But I did it. Most of all, I just felt overwhelmed. Not by college or new people, but by all my SHIT. I thought packing everything up was hard. Well, unpacking it and stuffing it into a tiny room was ten times worse. For a while I just sat in my room, looking at the mess I had made and thought to myself, "Nope. I can't possibly fit my life into this tiny amount of space." For some reason whenever I pictured myself moving into my dorm room, I never actually thought about unpacking. I just pictured myself arriving on campus, walking into my dorm room, and poof! everything perfect just like in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond catalog. Not how it happened, let me tell you.
But I just finished hanging up my posters, the finishing touch on the room. I have Audrey Hepburn right above my desk, smily demurely down at me as I write, reminding me to be classy in all things. Then, next to her I have my coveted Bon Iver concert poster. Authentic. Bought on e-Bay from Australia. Not only is it beautiful art but Bon Iver is my favorite musician. His songs just make me cry because of how beautiful they are. Then, over my bed I have Hearts by Jim Dine. Anyone who knows me knows how I love Pop Art (of which Jim Dine is a great example) and explains why I have a print of Andy Warhol's Butterflies and a poster of one of his favorite quotes hanging on my closet doors. Overall, my dorm room looks exactly like I always imagined it would be...even if it is a little smaller that I would like.
I am loving getting to know my roommate. She is such a sweetheart and I already know we're going to be friends. It's nice to have someone to share giggles with when surrounded by new people. Also, I love that we are already giggling together*.
After unpacking, we had Orientation things to do including the dreaded and dreadful ice breakers. Now it is midnight and I am exhausted. I woke up at 7 AM and drove for six hours only to spend the rest of the day being exhaustively nice with people I don't know. I underestimated how exhausting it is to make people like you. I'm just so used to not having to try because I've always had such great friends that love me no matter what, it was effortless. It's just not the same when meeting all new people, no matter how talkative and friendly I am by nature.
So sleep now. More new things to experience tomorrow.
Overall, I think this is shaping up to be a great year**.
* Funny how things change. First impressions are so misleading.
**Ironic, isn't it?
I felt like moving into my college dorm should have been more...something. But I did it. Most of all, I just felt overwhelmed. Not by college or new people, but by all my SHIT. I thought packing everything up was hard. Well, unpacking it and stuffing it into a tiny room was ten times worse. For a while I just sat in my room, looking at the mess I had made and thought to myself, "Nope. I can't possibly fit my life into this tiny amount of space." For some reason whenever I pictured myself moving into my dorm room, I never actually thought about unpacking. I just pictured myself arriving on campus, walking into my dorm room, and poof! everything perfect just like in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond catalog. Not how it happened, let me tell you.
But I just finished hanging up my posters, the finishing touch on the room. I have Audrey Hepburn right above my desk, smily demurely down at me as I write, reminding me to be classy in all things. Then, next to her I have my coveted Bon Iver concert poster. Authentic. Bought on e-Bay from Australia. Not only is it beautiful art but Bon Iver is my favorite musician. His songs just make me cry because of how beautiful they are. Then, over my bed I have Hearts by Jim Dine. Anyone who knows me knows how I love Pop Art (of which Jim Dine is a great example) and explains why I have a print of Andy Warhol's Butterflies and a poster of one of his favorite quotes hanging on my closet doors. Overall, my dorm room looks exactly like I always imagined it would be...even if it is a little smaller that I would like.
I am loving getting to know my roommate. She is such a sweetheart and I already know we're going to be friends. It's nice to have someone to share giggles with when surrounded by new people. Also, I love that we are already giggling together*.
After unpacking, we had Orientation things to do including the dreaded and dreadful ice breakers. Now it is midnight and I am exhausted. I woke up at 7 AM and drove for six hours only to spend the rest of the day being exhaustively nice with people I don't know. I underestimated how exhausting it is to make people like you. I'm just so used to not having to try because I've always had such great friends that love me no matter what, it was effortless. It's just not the same when meeting all new people, no matter how talkative and friendly I am by nature.
So sleep now. More new things to experience tomorrow.
Overall, I think this is shaping up to be a great year**.
* Funny how things change. First impressions are so misleading.
**Ironic, isn't it?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sooooo..........
College? I leave very early tomorrow morning.
That is how I feel right now. Just one long, never ending ellipsis. Like this..............................................
Today is my last day at home for a long time. It's a weird feeling. I'm not walking around seeing things and feeling pangs of "this is the last time this" or "this is the last time that." Nope. I'm just sitting on the big purple couch like it's any other day.
I don't really know how to put my feelings into words. I don't really want to talk to much about how I'm feeling. Firstly, because I don't really know how to feel at the moment.
I am quite tired. I didn't go to sleep last night until 5 AM because...well, really that's just what I do. I went to my friend Hayley's apartment to see everyone one last time before leaving. But it didn't feel like a goodbye sort of night.
I walked into the apartment completely unprepared for meeting with a certain fella, who I haven't seen or spoken to in weeks. And then there he was. It's not that I didn't know how to act around him or that I felt awkward or anything. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see him and it threw me off.
Since I took most of the summer off from blogging here, I haven't really written about this yet. But...well, I don't really know what to say about it except that I hung out with a "certain fella" a lot at the beginning of the summer and then we just kind of drifted apart, as sometimes happens in life. But...I haven't confronted any feelings I've had since the ending of sorts. I just kind of went on. I didn't talk about it and I just repressed any feelings.
Now, I have a long history of repressing feelings. It's something I really struggle with. For someone who writes and journals and blogs all the time, it must seem weird for me to say that I repress my feelings because aren't I writing about them all the time? Well, in a way I am and it really does help. But I still really struggle with actually accepting my feelings be they of sorrow or loneliness or embarrassment or happiness or heartbreak.
So, to see this "certain fella" last night without warning just threw me off kilter. Then, it was made worse because of a comment he made.*
Ok, that's enough of that. I'm still glad I went to Hayley's. [I love what I overhear when I hang out with them (example: "Wait, don't use the bathroom just yet. There's cocaine in there.")] So overall it was a strange yet normal night. I kind of wish it had been different.
Now, this blog post has turned out to be........Well, just that....................
I'm going to go sit out on our back porch and just look out at our farm and love it for its beauty.
*The comment: "It's been two and a half months now."
Two and a half months ago. That's when we stopped hanging out. And that's how long he's been sober. While I was with him, he got blackout drunk several times. Then, we stop seeing each other and he gets sober. I just felt weird about it. I still do feel weird about it. I don't know what it means. I'm sure it's nothing but the timing just feels weird.
[note: we were never going out, just hanging out/hooking up a few times]
That is how I feel right now. Just one long, never ending ellipsis. Like this..............................................
Today is my last day at home for a long time. It's a weird feeling. I'm not walking around seeing things and feeling pangs of "this is the last time this" or "this is the last time that." Nope. I'm just sitting on the big purple couch like it's any other day.
I don't really know how to put my feelings into words. I don't really want to talk to much about how I'm feeling. Firstly, because I don't really know how to feel at the moment.
I am quite tired. I didn't go to sleep last night until 5 AM because...well, really that's just what I do. I went to my friend Hayley's apartment to see everyone one last time before leaving. But it didn't feel like a goodbye sort of night.
I walked into the apartment completely unprepared for meeting with a certain fella, who I haven't seen or spoken to in weeks. And then there he was. It's not that I didn't know how to act around him or that I felt awkward or anything. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see him and it threw me off.
Since I took most of the summer off from blogging here, I haven't really written about this yet. But...well, I don't really know what to say about it except that I hung out with a "certain fella" a lot at the beginning of the summer and then we just kind of drifted apart, as sometimes happens in life. But...I haven't confronted any feelings I've had since the ending of sorts. I just kind of went on. I didn't talk about it and I just repressed any feelings.
Now, I have a long history of repressing feelings. It's something I really struggle with. For someone who writes and journals and blogs all the time, it must seem weird for me to say that I repress my feelings because aren't I writing about them all the time? Well, in a way I am and it really does help. But I still really struggle with actually accepting my feelings be they of sorrow or loneliness or embarrassment or happiness or heartbreak.
So, to see this "certain fella" last night without warning just threw me off kilter. Then, it was made worse because of a comment he made.*
Ok, that's enough of that. I'm still glad I went to Hayley's. [I love what I overhear when I hang out with them (example: "Wait, don't use the bathroom just yet. There's cocaine in there.")] So overall it was a strange yet normal night. I kind of wish it had been different.
Now, this blog post has turned out to be........Well, just that....................
I'm going to go sit out on our back porch and just look out at our farm and love it for its beauty.
*The comment: "It's been two and a half months now."
Two and a half months ago. That's when we stopped hanging out. And that's how long he's been sober. While I was with him, he got blackout drunk several times. Then, we stop seeing each other and he gets sober. I just felt weird about it. I still do feel weird about it. I don't know what it means. I'm sure it's nothing but the timing just feels weird.
[note: we were never going out, just hanging out/hooking up a few times]
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Traffic and Literature
My whole life is packed away into two giant plastic boxes and one huge duffel bag. I'm ready to get out of this town but I have to wait two more days...I should have waited to pack because now I'm all excited and have nowhere to go, not to mention nothing to wear because I packed everything away.
I am sitting in Barnes and Noble typing this up today because I had to drop Johnny off at work and now have time to kill before my hair appointment. What I love about this spot is that I snagged a window table so I can look out and watch the traffic in the Towson circle. Anyone who knows Towson know that the circle is the center of town, atop one of the tallest hills in the county. And the 5 main roads in town converge in one big traffice circle. It's a two lane roundabout and each road feeding into it is a two lane street. No one really knows how to drive the circle and it's generally complete mayhem. That's why I love it so much.
Ok, I have nothing to blog about so I am going to steal a survey from Hayley G. Hoover about BOOKS.
1. What author do you own the most books by?
Sarah Dessen, then J. K. Rowling, then Jane Austen
2. What book do you own the most copies of?
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (4 copies...I am about to buy copy number 4 before I leave B&N, it is sitting on the table next to me all nice and pretty)
3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
A little bit but it's ok b/c this isn't formal writing.
4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Mr. Darcy, of course! Not a very original answer but I read P&P for the first time when I was twelve and Mr. Darcy just seemed like the perfect man (especially when compared with the pre-teen monsters in my middle school class!
5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?
I reread books like crazy so it's hard to say. Pride & Prejudice probably. Although the Harry Potter series runs a close second. If you count listening to books on tape, too, then definitely HP b/c every family roadtrip since I was about 10 we've listened to Jim Dale read Harry Potter to us.
6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
Little Women. I read it continuously for all of fourth and fifth grades. I was reading above my grade level from third grade onward so I first read Little Women in fourth grade and just fell in love. Although, I did eat up the Thoroughbred series, too.
7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
Breaking Dawn. Sorry but it's true.
8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?
A Tale of Two Cities. I can't believe I hadn't read it before! I was never fond of Dickens because of an unfortunate experience with Great Expectations in my freshman English class. But I have now decided to reread Great Expectations, too.
9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
I could steal Hayley's answer of Franny and Zooey but I won't. I'll say Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. All American students should read this alongside their American history textbook.
10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
I wouldn't wish that fate on any book!
11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Any JD Salinger. I'm pretty sure JD has prevented any major movies depicting his works as it should be because his writing NEEDS to be experienced on the page.
12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
I've never dreamt about an author. I'm sure I've dreamt about a book or a literary character but I can't seem to remember any right now. My dreams are usually horrific nightmares so I don't think books really play a big part in my twisted mind's night-terror.
13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?
I've read my share of trashy chick-lit. Oh, God, the Shopaholic series.
14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?
The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English.
15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?
I am ashamed to say that I've never seen an obscure Shakespeare play live. I've only seen the popular ones on stage (Midsummer's, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Twelfth Night)
16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
RUSSIANS. I'll read Tolstoy every day for the rest of my life...Ok, that may be a slight exaggeration but I do love me some Russian literature (Chekhov! Come on)
17. Roth or Updike?
Neither. Sorry.
18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
DAVE EGGERS. But Sedaris is good, too, just not as good as Eggers for me.
19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Shakespeare Shakespeare Shakespeare! Although, Chaucer holds a warm spot in my heart for giving me the Wife of Bath and my senior thesis.
20. Austen or Eliot?
Just look at my first few answers and then guess. (I'll give you a hint: AUSTEN!)
21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
I haven't actually read the Iliad. *hangs head in shame*
23. Play?
HAMLET.
[A tractor trailer just went through the circle! Oh God, it was priceless to watch the other motorists react with either blatant horror or frenzied exasperation.]
24. Poem?
anyone lived in a pretty how town by E. E. Cummings (see blog title for proof of my love)
25. Essay?
I can't say that I've read any essays that have stuck with me. I'll get on this one and report back.
27. Who is your favorite writer?
"Writer," as in for their unique writing style, I have to go with Salinger. But if the question is "author," for whose novels I love more, that would be a different answer.
28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
I'm not going to say Stephenie Meyer.
29. What is your desert island book?
P&P. Unoriginal but there you go.
30. And... what are you reading right now?
The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray. It's the last of her Gemma Doyle series and I never got around to reading it.
Ok, there you go. Books books books and more books.
I am sitting in Barnes and Noble typing this up today because I had to drop Johnny off at work and now have time to kill before my hair appointment. What I love about this spot is that I snagged a window table so I can look out and watch the traffic in the Towson circle. Anyone who knows Towson know that the circle is the center of town, atop one of the tallest hills in the county. And the 5 main roads in town converge in one big traffice circle. It's a two lane roundabout and each road feeding into it is a two lane street. No one really knows how to drive the circle and it's generally complete mayhem. That's why I love it so much.
Ok, I have nothing to blog about so I am going to steal a survey from Hayley G. Hoover about BOOKS.
1. What author do you own the most books by?
Sarah Dessen, then J. K. Rowling, then Jane Austen
2. What book do you own the most copies of?
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (4 copies...I am about to buy copy number 4 before I leave B&N, it is sitting on the table next to me all nice and pretty)
3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
A little bit but it's ok b/c this isn't formal writing.
4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Mr. Darcy, of course! Not a very original answer but I read P&P for the first time when I was twelve and Mr. Darcy just seemed like the perfect man (especially when compared with the pre-teen monsters in my middle school class!
5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?
I reread books like crazy so it's hard to say. Pride & Prejudice probably. Although the Harry Potter series runs a close second. If you count listening to books on tape, too, then definitely HP b/c every family roadtrip since I was about 10 we've listened to Jim Dale read Harry Potter to us.
6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
Little Women. I read it continuously for all of fourth and fifth grades. I was reading above my grade level from third grade onward so I first read Little Women in fourth grade and just fell in love. Although, I did eat up the Thoroughbred series, too.
7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
Breaking Dawn. Sorry but it's true.
8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?
A Tale of Two Cities. I can't believe I hadn't read it before! I was never fond of Dickens because of an unfortunate experience with Great Expectations in my freshman English class. But I have now decided to reread Great Expectations, too.
9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
I could steal Hayley's answer of Franny and Zooey but I won't. I'll say Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. All American students should read this alongside their American history textbook.
10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
I wouldn't wish that fate on any book!
11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Any JD Salinger. I'm pretty sure JD has prevented any major movies depicting his works as it should be because his writing NEEDS to be experienced on the page.
12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
I've never dreamt about an author. I'm sure I've dreamt about a book or a literary character but I can't seem to remember any right now. My dreams are usually horrific nightmares so I don't think books really play a big part in my twisted mind's night-terror.
13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?
I've read my share of trashy chick-lit. Oh, God, the Shopaholic series.
14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?
The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English.
15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?
I am ashamed to say that I've never seen an obscure Shakespeare play live. I've only seen the popular ones on stage (Midsummer's, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Twelfth Night)
16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
RUSSIANS. I'll read Tolstoy every day for the rest of my life...Ok, that may be a slight exaggeration but I do love me some Russian literature (Chekhov! Come on)
17. Roth or Updike?
Neither. Sorry.
18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
DAVE EGGERS. But Sedaris is good, too, just not as good as Eggers for me.
19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Shakespeare Shakespeare Shakespeare! Although, Chaucer holds a warm spot in my heart for giving me the Wife of Bath and my senior thesis.
20. Austen or Eliot?
Just look at my first few answers and then guess. (I'll give you a hint: AUSTEN!)
21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
I haven't actually read the Iliad. *hangs head in shame*
23. Play?
HAMLET.
[A tractor trailer just went through the circle! Oh God, it was priceless to watch the other motorists react with either blatant horror or frenzied exasperation.]
24. Poem?
anyone lived in a pretty how town by E. E. Cummings (see blog title for proof of my love)
25. Essay?
I can't say that I've read any essays that have stuck with me. I'll get on this one and report back.
27. Who is your favorite writer?
"Writer," as in for their unique writing style, I have to go with Salinger. But if the question is "author," for whose novels I love more, that would be a different answer.
28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
I'm not going to say Stephenie Meyer.
29. What is your desert island book?
P&P. Unoriginal but there you go.
30. And... what are you reading right now?
The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray. It's the last of her Gemma Doyle series and I never got around to reading it.
Ok, there you go. Books books books and more books.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Stuff Stuff Stuff
Why do I have so much stuff? I don't know how I accumulated so much clothing but now that I have to pack it all away I am suddenly realizing that I might have a shopping problem. When it's all packed away in drawers it's easy to forget how much of it there is. But then I pull it all out and I realize that, oh yeah, i have enough clothes to fill up three dressers and a large closet. And then the shoes. I normally just throw them all together on the last few shelves of my closet organizer but, oh my god, it's a small mountain. And how do I have so many pairs of jeans? Different colors and styles but I think I literally have more jeans than there are days of the week. I don't know how I have so many clothes.
All this time I've been thinking of myself as a down-to-earth girl. I enjoy a good book more than a pair of designer shoes. But maybe I'm wrong about myself. Actually, ok I know I'm wrong about myself. Not that I care about the designer name but I do love clothes (not as much as books but still).
Argh! I hate how I have so much when so many people in the world have so little. And I hate how attached I am to my books and my clothes. It's just stuff. I could get on without it all but I like having it. Does that make me a bad person?
In other news, all this packing has made me realize that I really will be leaving in two days. It makes me want to go sit outside with the dogs all day just soaking in the beauty of our family's farm. Oddly enough I think I'm going to miss my dogs more than I miss my parents. Ok, I'm sure that's not true but I really am going to miss my little babies (who are not babies at all, they are 7 years old and quite large and stinky).
Ok, so all this "I'm going to miss this and I'm going to miss that" stuff is annoying and stupid. I'm not leaving forever. In fact I'll be home a lot of weekends because I don't have classes on Fridays so I have 3 day weekends. Really leaving for college is just a headache because of all the packing.
All this time I've been thinking of myself as a down-to-earth girl. I enjoy a good book more than a pair of designer shoes. But maybe I'm wrong about myself. Actually, ok I know I'm wrong about myself. Not that I care about the designer name but I do love clothes (not as much as books but still).
Argh! I hate how I have so much when so many people in the world have so little. And I hate how attached I am to my books and my clothes. It's just stuff. I could get on without it all but I like having it. Does that make me a bad person?
In other news, all this packing has made me realize that I really will be leaving in two days. It makes me want to go sit outside with the dogs all day just soaking in the beauty of our family's farm. Oddly enough I think I'm going to miss my dogs more than I miss my parents. Ok, I'm sure that's not true but I really am going to miss my little babies (who are not babies at all, they are 7 years old and quite large and stinky).
Ok, so all this "I'm going to miss this and I'm going to miss that" stuff is annoying and stupid. I'm not leaving forever. In fact I'll be home a lot of weekends because I don't have classes on Fridays so I have 3 day weekends. Really leaving for college is just a headache because of all the packing.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Things That Go Bump in the Night
There is something wrong with me. I've lost my appetite. I haven't eaten in two days except for a few bites of a muffin. I spent all of yesterday sleeping on the couch even though I had gotten a good amount of sleep the night before. And last night I had the worst nightmare.
I've always gotten nightmares because I have an over-active imagination (I wasn't allowed to watch crime shows until high school because I wouldn't sleep for weeks imagining someone coming into my room at night and murdering me. Scary war movies and many horror movies were fine, though, because I knew those weren't likely to happen in my real life). But this nightmare just left me shaking. It was disturbing.
In most of my nightmares, someone is trying to kill me or my loved ones. I spend way too many nights running for my life from murderers. And I always end up dead.
Last night, however, I dreamt that I was the murderer. I brutally murdered all of my family, including my extended family. And I was so cool about it. I didn't even have a reason for murdering everyone but I went into each of their rooms while they were getting ready for bed, talked to them pleasantly for a few minutes, and then murdered them for no reason. And I wrote everything down in my journal, describing every single detail of what I did to each person. They were gruesome murders, too. It turns my stomach.
Then, after I murdered all these people, I just went back to bed as if nothing had happened. The next morning when one of the few survivors discovered all the murders, I felt nothing. I just told the police I hadn't seen anything and went on with my life.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I dream something so horrific?! That is just not normal.
I'm not mad at my family. We aren't fighting. We're on good terms. I don't want to kill anyone! I couldn't kill anyone if I tried. I can't even eat meat because I am so sensitive to life. What the hell is wrong with me?
And now I just feel like my whole day is ruined before it's even begun. It's my sister's birthday. She is 24 today (how is she so old?!). We are going out to dinner later but I have to spend the day packing for college, which is turning into a different sort of nightmare. I'm still shaken from my dream (I woke up an hour ago), I can barely do anything. Maybe packing will distract me by focusing on small things.
Deep breath. It was just a dream. And off I go.
I've always gotten nightmares because I have an over-active imagination (I wasn't allowed to watch crime shows until high school because I wouldn't sleep for weeks imagining someone coming into my room at night and murdering me. Scary war movies and many horror movies were fine, though, because I knew those weren't likely to happen in my real life). But this nightmare just left me shaking. It was disturbing.
In most of my nightmares, someone is trying to kill me or my loved ones. I spend way too many nights running for my life from murderers. And I always end up dead.
Last night, however, I dreamt that I was the murderer. I brutally murdered all of my family, including my extended family. And I was so cool about it. I didn't even have a reason for murdering everyone but I went into each of their rooms while they were getting ready for bed, talked to them pleasantly for a few minutes, and then murdered them for no reason. And I wrote everything down in my journal, describing every single detail of what I did to each person. They were gruesome murders, too. It turns my stomach.
Then, after I murdered all these people, I just went back to bed as if nothing had happened. The next morning when one of the few survivors discovered all the murders, I felt nothing. I just told the police I hadn't seen anything and went on with my life.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I dream something so horrific?! That is just not normal.
I'm not mad at my family. We aren't fighting. We're on good terms. I don't want to kill anyone! I couldn't kill anyone if I tried. I can't even eat meat because I am so sensitive to life. What the hell is wrong with me?
And now I just feel like my whole day is ruined before it's even begun. It's my sister's birthday. She is 24 today (how is she so old?!). We are going out to dinner later but I have to spend the day packing for college, which is turning into a different sort of nightmare. I'm still shaken from my dream (I woke up an hour ago), I can barely do anything. Maybe packing will distract me by focusing on small things.
Deep breath. It was just a dream. And off I go.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Veal or Vegan?
I leave for college in 5 days. Finally, I am finished with goodbyes. Now I just can't wait to get out of Baltimore myself. Everyone else has gone. I want to get started on my own college experience. I know I said I wanted this summer to last forever but it has to end. It's time for summer to end.
Last night we went out for a family dinner. We rarely go out to dinner as a family. It was a nice change. Everyone ate too much expensive food and my grandfather got sloshed. Everyone at the table ordered veal except for me. I almost cried just at the sight of so much baby cow meat. And it wasn't just small helpings of veal for everyone. They got veal shanks, the most meat I have ever seen on a plate. One for each person. The meat falling off the bone.
Ok, so I'm not a vegetarian but I am moving in that direction. And I try not to be preachy or anything about it but when every single person orders a veal shank, it really got to me. First of all, I don't like the idea of eating a dead baby cow or a dead baby anything. Actually I don't like eating dead animal meat in general. The thought of putting the muscles of a dead animal in my mouth is not appetizing to me. But I realize that people love meat and in general I say, "to each his own." I don't like eating dead animals but that's just me.
Secondly, I just have to object to how the food industry is run. Everyone has heard the horror stories. It has to make you pause and think about what you are supporting by grilling up that steak. However, there is the free range option. I respect people who eat free range. I think everyone, if they choose to eat meat, should make the effort to eat free range meat. Unfortunately that is not the case.
So, I didn't intend this blog post to turn into a discussion of vegetarianism. I'm not even a full vegetarian yet but I am planning on becoming one once I figure out an alternative, nutritious diet that I can eat easily.
Last night we went out for a family dinner. We rarely go out to dinner as a family. It was a nice change. Everyone ate too much expensive food and my grandfather got sloshed. Everyone at the table ordered veal except for me. I almost cried just at the sight of so much baby cow meat. And it wasn't just small helpings of veal for everyone. They got veal shanks, the most meat I have ever seen on a plate. One for each person. The meat falling off the bone.
Ok, so I'm not a vegetarian but I am moving in that direction. And I try not to be preachy or anything about it but when every single person orders a veal shank, it really got to me. First of all, I don't like the idea of eating a dead baby cow or a dead baby anything. Actually I don't like eating dead animal meat in general. The thought of putting the muscles of a dead animal in my mouth is not appetizing to me. But I realize that people love meat and in general I say, "to each his own." I don't like eating dead animals but that's just me.
Secondly, I just have to object to how the food industry is run. Everyone has heard the horror stories. It has to make you pause and think about what you are supporting by grilling up that steak. However, there is the free range option. I respect people who eat free range. I think everyone, if they choose to eat meat, should make the effort to eat free range meat. Unfortunately that is not the case.
So, I didn't intend this blog post to turn into a discussion of vegetarianism. I'm not even a full vegetarian yet but I am planning on becoming one once I figure out an alternative, nutritious diet that I can eat easily.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Lazy End To My Summer
Yesterday I spent the day lounging around the house. It felt like two years ago. Every summer before this one I have spent just lazing about the house, reading, getting Chilly Willy's with my brothers. This summer I had a regular job, one for which I did a lot of driving. I really wasn't at home that much this summer. Whenever I had a day off work I would be out, running erands or visiting friends. Even in the evenings after work I would go out. I haven't had much time this summer to just sit around, read a book and just let the hours roll by leisurely. It was a nice change.
The only time I left the house yesterday was for one last goodbye. I met two of my best friends from high school, Dena and Liz, at Rita's Italian Ice. First, we sat in my car and talked for a long time. Then, we drove up the street to surprise our friend Fitz, who was at home packing up a storm. We spent another hour just hanging out in her street.
I think it was the best sort of goodbye. Talking about anything and everything just like we always do, nothing special but at the same time one of those nights that you'll remember. I'm going to miss those sorts of nights - just sitting with my best friends, talking and laughing. As we stood in Fitz's front lawn, moving slowly back toward my car, I remember thinking to myself that I wished we would never make it back to the car and that moment could just last forever or at least another four years.
Sigh.
So far today is shaping up to be just like yesterday, lounging around the house. I actually really love it. Later, I might go see Harry Potter 6 with my brothers because Danny still hasn't seen it.
I woke up about an hour ago and so far have hung the laundry and written a blog post. I did check Facebook, which bothers me. I need to get away from Facebook but it's hard when I have to say goodbye to so many people in real life but can find them as close as ever on Facebook, as if nothing had changed. But this time checking FB, I made a surprising discovery that put a damper on my morning. I have a sneaking suspicion that an old friend has prevented me from seeing his profile. It just seems so petty. It reminded me that there are parts of this summer that I really wish had turned out differently.
And just like that, I can't wait to get away to college.
The only time I left the house yesterday was for one last goodbye. I met two of my best friends from high school, Dena and Liz, at Rita's Italian Ice. First, we sat in my car and talked for a long time. Then, we drove up the street to surprise our friend Fitz, who was at home packing up a storm. We spent another hour just hanging out in her street.
I think it was the best sort of goodbye. Talking about anything and everything just like we always do, nothing special but at the same time one of those nights that you'll remember. I'm going to miss those sorts of nights - just sitting with my best friends, talking and laughing. As we stood in Fitz's front lawn, moving slowly back toward my car, I remember thinking to myself that I wished we would never make it back to the car and that moment could just last forever or at least another four years.
Sigh.
So far today is shaping up to be just like yesterday, lounging around the house. I actually really love it. Later, I might go see Harry Potter 6 with my brothers because Danny still hasn't seen it.
I woke up about an hour ago and so far have hung the laundry and written a blog post. I did check Facebook, which bothers me. I need to get away from Facebook but it's hard when I have to say goodbye to so many people in real life but can find them as close as ever on Facebook, as if nothing had changed. But this time checking FB, I made a surprising discovery that put a damper on my morning. I have a sneaking suspicion that an old friend has prevented me from seeing his profile. It just seems so petty. It reminded me that there are parts of this summer that I really wish had turned out differently.
And just like that, I can't wait to get away to college.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Lessons Learned
It's safe to say that I had a fun summer. I still have a week left but I will packing and laying low. And so I feel comfortable looking back over the summer as a whole. And I can honestly say that I've learned a lot.
First, I've learned how to take care of an infant. Yesterday was my last day with Baby Isabelle and I had such a good summer with her that I cried when I said goodbye. At the beginning of the summer I had no idea what I was doing. To make matters worse Isabelle had acid reflux and was a fussy baby. Once her parents sorted out medicine to help with Isabelle's acid reflux she calmed down. And after three months she almost never cried when I was with her because I could tell the signs when she was hungry or tired or needed a diaper change. She was smiley and talkative (in her little baby noise way). When I would be in the room she woud smile and follow me with her eyes. It was a great experience.
Second, I learned who my real friends are. Cheesy cheese cheese, I know. But I realize that I'm probably only going to stay in close contact with a few of my friends from high school. This summer I just learned who those people are. There weren't really any falling outs. I just grew closer with my best friends and solidified our relationships for years to come. Ok, that last part ventured a little too far into sappy world so I'll stop there.
Third, I learned how to be open with my parents. I'm the youngest of four. My parents have seen it all. They know what I'm up to. So why disrespect them by lying? I've done that a few times this summer and in the past. This summer my friends have been stupid and I've actually hit a few snags with my parents. I haven't gotten in trouble, though, because my parents let me have my independence.
After Facebook once again came back to bite me in the ass (my friend's mom is on fb and saw some things she wasn't supposed to see), I decided to just be open with my parents. I'm going to college next week, it makes sense. My parents have always known and accepted certain parts of my life (operating under the "don't-let-me-see-it" system) but now I'm just showing them the same respect they've shown me. I trust them.
That post turned out to be rather...toolish. I've been spending too much time with Johnny.
Oh and I'm trying to decide what to take with me to college - books, DVDs, etc. It's so hard because I'm just used to having my books around me at all times. They're like a safety blanket almost. I made an initial pile of everything I would like to have with me and it's like thirty books. Argh! I can only take like ten books with me. How can I choose?!
First, I've learned how to take care of an infant. Yesterday was my last day with Baby Isabelle and I had such a good summer with her that I cried when I said goodbye. At the beginning of the summer I had no idea what I was doing. To make matters worse Isabelle had acid reflux and was a fussy baby. Once her parents sorted out medicine to help with Isabelle's acid reflux she calmed down. And after three months she almost never cried when I was with her because I could tell the signs when she was hungry or tired or needed a diaper change. She was smiley and talkative (in her little baby noise way). When I would be in the room she woud smile and follow me with her eyes. It was a great experience.
Second, I learned who my real friends are. Cheesy cheese cheese, I know. But I realize that I'm probably only going to stay in close contact with a few of my friends from high school. This summer I just learned who those people are. There weren't really any falling outs. I just grew closer with my best friends and solidified our relationships for years to come. Ok, that last part ventured a little too far into sappy world so I'll stop there.
Third, I learned how to be open with my parents. I'm the youngest of four. My parents have seen it all. They know what I'm up to. So why disrespect them by lying? I've done that a few times this summer and in the past. This summer my friends have been stupid and I've actually hit a few snags with my parents. I haven't gotten in trouble, though, because my parents let me have my independence.
After Facebook once again came back to bite me in the ass (my friend's mom is on fb and saw some things she wasn't supposed to see), I decided to just be open with my parents. I'm going to college next week, it makes sense. My parents have always known and accepted certain parts of my life (operating under the "don't-let-me-see-it" system) but now I'm just showing them the same respect they've shown me. I trust them.
That post turned out to be rather...toolish. I've been spending too much time with Johnny.
Oh and I'm trying to decide what to take with me to college - books, DVDs, etc. It's so hard because I'm just used to having my books around me at all times. They're like a safety blanket almost. I made an initial pile of everything I would like to have with me and it's like thirty books. Argh! I can only take like ten books with me. How can I choose?!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Return and Many Departures
I return to blogging just as I am about to depart for school. I do not leave for another week but most of my friends have already left and so I decided to return to blogging so that they may get a daily dose of Rosalee while they are at school and I am still stuck in Baltimore.
It's been one of those days when I just sigh every five minutes, the kind of sigh that only goes along with many farewells. Saying goodbye is exhausting. Even more exhausting, though, is the anticipation of saying goodbye.
Going to college is exciting. But this part right now is not fun. A week from tomorrow I will be moving in to my dorm, starting a new adventure in my life. I know that it is scary but most of all it is exciting. But that is a week away. Right now, though, I am bogged down in farewells that leave me with tears in my eyes.
I'm sure I could go on babbling about this bittersweet feeling but it taxes my patience. And so I'll just let this song say it all:
It's been one of those days when I just sigh every five minutes, the kind of sigh that only goes along with many farewells. Saying goodbye is exhausting. Even more exhausting, though, is the anticipation of saying goodbye.
Going to college is exciting. But this part right now is not fun. A week from tomorrow I will be moving in to my dorm, starting a new adventure in my life. I know that it is scary but most of all it is exciting. But that is a week away. Right now, though, I am bogged down in farewells that leave me with tears in my eyes.
I'm sure I could go on babbling about this bittersweet feeling but it taxes my patience. And so I'll just let this song say it all:
Monday, August 10, 2009
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