I have a Tumblr now. I don't really know how to "tumble" but when I was in kindergarten I took a gymnastics class called "Tumble Bees."

http://foolishrose.tumblr.com/

I will probably re-post my blog posts here but Tumblr also has other fun random stuff.

And yes this means that I will be blogging again.

Also, just for fun, here's my Twitter: (protected but I accept follow requests) www.twitter.com/rosepip83

Obviously I have not been blogging. Instead I have been busy being a college student. Also, a shirtless guy just ran past my window.

Let's talk about me.

I am back at school.
I successfully survived both my first weekend at school as well as my first day of classes.
I have a job interview tomorrow.
I'm already nervous about my responisiblities as a T. A. for an intro public policy class.
I don't have any money for books.
I live right across from the bus stop.
I can't stop listening to Greg Holden's music.
I am moved into a cute little apartment with my two best friends.
I made a giant graffiti poster.
I helped throw the first party of the year.
I drank too much and humiliated myself on Facebook.
I hung a Zac Efron poster on my door.
I relapsed and chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes while drunk and upset about a boy.
I managed to fix my schedule so it is perfect.
I've already become that annoying girl who answers every question in my newswriting class.
I've made several drunk phone calls.
I wore my new 4 inch heels.
I hurt my knee packing.
I drank 4 cups of coffee before 11 am today.
I am tired because the caffeine has worn off.
I keep having nightmares.
I don't know what to expect from this semester.
I don't feel like blogging anymore.

My room is torn apart and now must be shoved into my car.

I only have one more day left in Baltimore for the summer...yet I have spent the past two nights sleeping at Sam's house (you know the girl I'm living with at school) and tonight I might be sleeping out, too. I feel like I should be cherishing my bed because I love it so much and my bed at school will not be nearly as comfy but...fun is to be had and I can't turn down fun.

Ok, so we spent a lot of the day driving around in Mike's car listening to a mix cd made by someone named Callie none of us had ever met. It was fun. I had a good day.

Packing for your second year of college is just as annoying as packing for your first year of college.

My sister is 25 today. That is old.

In other news, I detest packing with every fiber of my being. How do I decide which books to bring?! I want to bring them all. Why do I have so many clothes?! Oh, yeah maybe because I have a serious shopping addiction.

Tonight really will be the finally blowout party of the summer. It will be just like every other party we've had this summer except that it will be our last. But in just a few short days I will be having another blowout party, to celebrate the beginning of the new semester. Look at that. Even my burgeoning alcoholism has symbolic meaning - in every end there is a beginning.

Sometimes I think I can't even look at a dirty old sock without becoming sentimental and philosophical. This blog is the watered down version of my crazy. In my journal I literally will go on for pages about the profound meaning of pen shopping. Apparently, shopping for pens has a deep meaning in my life. What is wrong with me?

As you can tell, today I am feeling self-deprecating. But not for long. I have things to do.

Apparently I had homework this summer that I was unaware of...great start to the semester already.

Today, my family celebrated my sister's birthday (actually tomorrow). My brother came home from New York, we got crabs, we ate the crabs, we sat out on the back porch. It was very enjoyable. Now, I am not very close with my family. We are probably an average amount of close. My siblings and I get along. My parents and I have issues but can rub along pretty well when we ignore them. In general, I enjoy spending time with my family when given the incentive of crab-eating. And so today was quite enjoyable. My grandfather and aunt came over as well. We discussed the ailments of various aging family members. And we ate a lot of crabs.

Every summer my family comes together for such crabs-on-the-backporch gatherings many times. It's one of my favorite summer activities. Mainly because I love eating Maryland Blue Crabs. It's sad that this will be the last time we are all together for months and the last crabfeast of the summer.

I feel like every post I talk about the end of summer or growing up or something sentimental. Well, today I ate crabs and they were yummy and that's about all I have to say.

I suppose I should blog but I'm losing my taste for this mode of expression.

I can't deny it any longer. Summer is ending. One by one all of my friends from home are departing for school, our group dispersing to our separate lives spread out along the eastern seaboard. It seems that this week, more than any other week during the year, makes it blazingly obvious that this is growing up. Yes, I've written about buying kitchen appliances and toilet cleaner for my apartment as tangible evidence of Growing Up. But this week of farewells is more poignant.

All summer long my friends and I have been busy pretending to be kids again. We've been runing around town, getting into trouble, looking for adventures, wreaking havoc. We had these three months of freedom and we just wanted to pretend to be kids one last time before Growing Up becomes so apparent that we can't ignore it any longer. Now summer is ending and I won't go so far as to say I feel as though an era is ending or my childhood is ending. Growing up doesn't work like that. It doesn't just end after one summer of craziness.

Still. As this summer comes to its close, as everyone leaves for school, Growing Up seems more real than ever. I can't help but look back on our antics this summer, even our antics of the past two nights, and marvel at how desperate we all were to grasp every ounce of fun we could get our hands on. It's as if we knew that every summer from now on would be a little bleaker as one by one we all go off on our separate paths. The group will be dwindling, each break from school when we return home to Baltimore a few more of us will have gone off to Real Life in Adult World. Right now we're all straddling the divide between this College Kid Life and Real Life but we're all just waiting to be pushed over the edge.  Some of us will be leaving soon, only able to visit the Kid Life fleetingly.

So this week, as I've said goodbye once again to all of my friends, I can't help but think that next summer won't be the same. But that's how it goes. That's Growing Up. It's a slow process. You don't want to think about it too much, though. You just want to live and experience this time, aware that Growing Up is advancing slowly with every passing moment but not consumed with the fact.

This time next week I will be back at school. But first I have to pack. And I hate packing.

I am so lazy I can't be bothered to come up with a reason I didn't blog yesterday. Let's be honest I've already missed a day in August. This is not a big deal.

Last night was very eventful. I could blog about many different things - getting dance-raped by awkward white guys when the whole reason we went to the club was to dance with black guys, seeing my brother's friend from high school at a hookah bar and embarrassing myself, going to a diner at 3 am and seeing an elderly couple dressed in their sunday best sitting in the booth across from us, my extensive use of the word "legitimately," getting lost in downtown Baltimore, really embarrassing drunk facebooking (yes, I use the word "facebook" as a verb and yes I know I am a tool for doing so).

But instead I am going to share two things:
1. Out of the relatively small number of twins that I know, two sets have their birthday today. This is weird. Obviously I will never be having sex on November 20 because if I do I will conceive twins.
2. This song is my new obsession, even though it is probably one of the worst pop songs this summer:

The guy at Walgreens totally thinks I'm weird.

I am one of those people that loves pictures. I'm not a photographer but I bring my digital camera with me everywhere so I can snap a few pictures even when I'm just hanging out with a few friends. We must document these memories! We're young. These are the best days of our lives. We must have photographic evidence of every moment of our lives. I really need a separate external hardrive just for all of my pictures. They are taking over my computer.

Until I went to college, though, I didn't have any of my pictures printed (except family photo albums from my childhood). Ever since Facebook took over the world there is no need to print out pictures of your Florida vacation and invite everyone over for dinner to show all of your friends. You don't have congregate for a photo-viewing party to flip through your friends' pictures. Now we can just upload to Facebook and everyone in the world can see pictures of you in front of Hogwarts Castle in Harry Potter World. Unless you don't want someone to see (like my aunts and uncles who always friend me on Facebook) in which case you just put them on limited profile list. No need to drop off film at the 1/2/3 Hour Photo Shop.

Well, when I went off to school last year I wanted to take my high school memories with me. So for the first time in years I printed out pictures to hang on my wall. I printed out over 100 pictures. I was one of those girls at college. When you walked into my dorm room there was a wall of photos. Maybe it's obnoxious. Maybe people thought I couldn't get over high school. But truthfully I never really liked high school all that much. I wasn't trying to show my new college friends that I just had SO much fun in high school because I was SO COOL and SO POPULAR. The pictures were just for me. I have some really close friends and some really cherished memories that I wanted to be able to see when I was far away from home. In general I loved college and didn't get homesick very often but sometimes looking up at the wall and seeing pictures of all my best friends from home would make my day.

This year I wanted to update my photo wall for my new apartment. I gathered up all my new pictures from my first year at university as well as all of the pictures from this summer. I was planning on just bringing my flashdrive to one of the photo printing stations at Rite-Aid or Kinkos but then my friend told me about how Walgreens lets you upload pictures to their website and then they will print them for you. It was actually just like the old days. My photos would be ready to be picked up in an hour.

Well, it really was like the old days because the guy working the photo station at Walgreens gave me that knowing smirk when he handed over my pictures. He had seen every one of my pictures. Not that there were any embarrassing ones. There were many pictures of drunk girls mugging for the camera and a few of my friends and I acting like idiots. I wasn't embarrassed but it made me smile. I wonder what the Walgreens guy thought as he printed my pictures, getting a glimpse at all the memories I wanted to take with me to college.

It's a little past midnight but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still yesterday to me.

I have too many books. I don't know how I always come to have a stack of (and I am not exaggerating) 26 books on my bedside table. Actually, if I'm being totally honest they are really in multiple stacks and spread out over my two dressers that act as bedside tables but those are just insignificant details. The real problem is that I have 26 books stacked around my bed that I've been meaning to read this summer and more on the bottom shelf of one of my 2 stuffed bookshelves that aren't even urgent enough to warrant a spot near the bed. If I sat down and did nothing but read it would take me months to ge through all the books I've been meaning to read.

And somehow now another summer has gone and I haven't even made a dent in the pile. Summer is supposed to be the time when I finally sit down and read all the books that are cluttering up the space surrounding my bed. And I really do a lot of reading. I'd say I've read well over twenty books this summer but that includes my annual re-reading of all 7 Harry Potter books. And I can never actually shorten the stack of books because I buy new books faster than I can read the old ones and I continue to take out library books every two weeks like clockwork.

Obviously I have a problem. All I want to do is read and read and read. If there was a profession that paid me to just read books for a living that would be the profession for me (which is why I'd dearly love to be in publishing or a book reviewer but there are very slim chances that I will work as either). My problem is that I just keep finding more and more books that I need to read and I want to read them all even though there is never enough time.

Maybe one day I'll finally turn off all distractions, tell everyone I know to leave me alone, and spend a month just reading all day every day. That would be the perfect vacation.

I've always called Goldfish "Fish Crackers" and never knew it was weird until this year.

I had nothing to blog about today and then I saw YouTube Charlie's newest video and decided to shamelessly steal his idea. Charlie's video was a sort of time-capsule for himself in ten years. Now, growing up has been a theme I've been seeing everywhere. Probably because I am growing up and the people I know and spend time with or follow on the internet are growing up so it's very relevant. I remember when I was 16 I thought that was growing up and I wrote all these journal entries about how childhood was gone and time was passing too fast but I couldn't wait to be independent and 16 was the first time I felt like I had real responsibilities and what I did had meaning. Now, 16 seems so young. It's only been 4 years but turning 20 is much more daunting to me (Hayley G. Hoover wrote a blog post about turning 20 a few days ago and as I, too, and barrelling towards that birthday it's been on my mind a lot). So I've been thinking about growing up.

Right now, 20 seems like a big deal to me. In ten years, when I'm 30 and I look back on this time I'll probably laugh at myself but honestly growing out of my teen years is daunting. I could get pregnant and I wouldn't be a statistic for teen pregnancy. I am no longer grouped with teenagers but will be referred to as a "young adult." I know twenty isn't really all that different from nineteen. I'll still be in college and I'll  still be under the drinking age and my parents won't take me any more seriously. But I will be living on my own in an apartment and I'll be responsible for taking care of myself even more than before. I'll be "in my 20s." I'll be one of those "20-something" single women targeted for chick-flicks and chick-lit.

It's a weird thought for me to grasp. Growing up seems more real than ever. Becoming an adult is much closer now than when I was 16. Hell, technically I am an adult.

In ten years, I'll be on the brink of turning 30. I wonder if I'll be feeling this same sense of uncertainty. I have no idea where I'm going to be in 5 years time let alone 10 years. Actually I really don't know where I'm going to be anytime beyond college graduation. I have a few ideas but I'm turning 20 and I still don't know where my life is headed. When I'm 30, though, I hope I'll have it all figured out. I hope I'll be settled on a track for life.

Maybe I'll be married. Actually, I've always hoped I would be married by age 30. I think I'd even like to have at least one baby by the time I'm 30. But putting these time limits is scary because if I want to have a kid by the time I'm 30, then that means I'll hopefully have been married for at least a couple of years. Could I really be married by age 25 or 26? Who would I be married to? Do I already know him? It's possible. A lot of people meet their spouses in college.

All of these thoughts are so scary but at the same time kind of exciting. I'm in no rush to leave this period of my life, the fun college years. But to think about how much I'm going to grow up and how much my life is going to change over the next ten years is kind of exciting.

I hope my 30 year old self will be happy. Right now that seems like a lot to ask but I hope in 10 years I will finally be at peace with my life. Yes, in a perfect world I will have also written a book and become a respected young author. But even if that doesn't happen, I just hope I'm doing something I love and I've filled my life with people I love.

I know in 10 years my life will probably be unrecognizable but that's just the nature of growing up. It never stops. People always talk about growing up as if it's a finite period of time. "Between the ages of 14 and 18 you will grow up." But that's not true. Life is always changing and we change with it. We're constantly growing up into the next phase of our lives. Now, I'm growing up into my 20's. In ten years I'll be growing up into my 30's. It just makes me wonder what life will bring.

I ate too many blueberry pancakes.

Last night after a party at a friend's house I found myself wide awake at 4:30 AM. Normally, I am not awake at 4 in the morning. At college I occassionally pull an all-nighter or stay up after parties but in general 4 AM is not a time that I know well. I found myself sitting in my room, alone, wondering what to do with myself. What does one do at 4:30 AM. Obviously, I had to go on Facebook but after that I was at a loss.

I solved the dilmna when I discovered half a pizza (onions and extra tomato - my favorite) in the kitchen. Suddenly I knew exactly what 4:30 AM was made for. At half past 4 in the morning, it is the perfect time to gorge yourself on pizza and watch weird Youtube videos. And that is what I did. It was glorious.

Then, today I woke up to a rainy day. I am partial to rainy days when I am at home, especially on Sundays. When I am at school there are so many rainy days it drives me crazy but at home on a Sunday when I have nothing to do and no reason to leave the house, I love a rainy day. I can sit and read and there's just something about the muted light that is so peaceful. And so today I am going to read a good book and try not to think about my real life at all.

The reason I normally don't blog every day is because nothing ever happens in my life.

Today, I have watched a House marathon. That's about it. Later I am going to an end-of-summer bonfire (cuz it's not like we didn't just have one last week or anything...although to be fair it is a different group of friends). In a few minutes I am going to do laundry. Then, I'm going to straighten my hair. My life is just so glamorous.

Obviously, I can't just leave such a pitiful blog post today. Here is a list of some random items found in my bedroom: a pink feather boa, a stolen salt shaker, a plastic Twinkie case that is shaped like a Twinkie dressed as a cowboy, a lollipop in the shape of the Dark Mark, a book called "Zac Efron: Me & You," a Winnie the Pooh lamp, a creepy porcelain doll of a Chinese girl, a My Little Ponies blanket, and a few old vinyl records.

And I'll guess I'll end this with some music. Right now I am listening to this song:

I hate that point when your hair is drying and half is dry and seems frizzy and the rest is still wet and you just want to tie it back but know you can't because it will dry flat and awkward if you do.

I don't have anything to blog about today. Not that things have not been happening in my life. Many worrying things have been going on, the sort of things that make me think that my life is just spinning out of control.

Summer is ending. I miss my brother. I'm tired. And I've been listening to rainy day music.

Losing a star without a sky,
Losing the reasons why,
You're losing the calling, 
You've been faking.
And I'm not kidding.


It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do.
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad, sad zoo.
Oh hidy hidy hidy what you trying to prove?
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing.


Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light.
Blue smoke will take a very violent fight.


And you will be changed,
And everything.
And you will be in a very sad, sad zoo.


I once was lost but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see you.
How selfish of you
To believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming.


Metal heart, 
You're not hiding.
Metal heart,
You're not worth a thing.


Metal heart,
You're not hiding.
Metal heart,
You're not worth a thing.
- "Metal Heart" by Cat Power

I'm proud of myself for blogging today.

There's something about the way smoke clings to you that is deeply symbolic. I'm not entirely sure how it is symbolic but there is something very profound there. Last night I had a campfire with my friends and the smell of the smoke seems to have seeped into my hair and my skin so that I can smell it even now after I've taken a shower. It's as if the smoke knows that my summer is ending and I'll be leaving this place and these people. Because if the smoke stays with me, I won't forget how fun these last days of summer have been.

Recently, I've been caught up in one of my spells of melancholia.* It hasn't been a particularly hard spell but it had knocked me off my feet for a few days. I wasn't functioning. Had I been given more days to myself, I could have drawn in on myself completely and locked the doors as I have in the past. But instead I found myself bombarded by my friends and they charged into my life and all but forced me to throw a party. I was not happy but I agreed to host the annual, end of summer campfire, because I have an unhealthy need to please everyone.

Now, I can still smell the smoke on me as I type and I'm happy for my friends. Most of my friends from high school and home know that I struggle with what they call my "general unhappiness disorder." They've watched from afar as I've cycled through several really serious spells of my depression. It's not something I talk to my friends about but they know and they are supportive in their own way. They call me at just the right times. They sometimes force me to socialize when they know I need human connection most. They joke around and make me laugh. And really that's the best thing they can do.

The campfire party was a success. I live on a beautiful 25 acre horse farm. Behind our pond in the back field we have a small wooded area and a few clearings we've set up for campfires. It's secluded and hidden from view. The perfect place for 20 kids to have some fun.  But none of my friends has actually seen the spot during the daylight. We only ever have parties in the back field under the cover of night. At night it seems like an eerie, overgrown dirt hole. It's a shame because I honestly believe that my family's farm is home to the most beautiful 25 acres of land in the world.

I know that's quite a bold statement. Maybe there is something of Willa Cather or Thomas Hardy in me. I see the land that I've grown up on as a character in my life. This farm and its beauty has helped me form my identity. While my friends were running around with the neighborhood kids in the streets of their subdivisions, I was running wild with my brothers and my sister on 25 acres of untouched nature. We had a stream to run through, a pond to fish in, fields to trek through, and woods to explore. When I played make-believe and pretended to live in a fairy kingdom, I didn't have to stretch my imagination too far because I'm pretty sure fairies really do live in the meadows and forest behind the pond.

I think there's a difference between those people who have grown up in the city or the suburbs. It has something to do with the feeling of pure Earth somehow seeping into your skin. Yesterday afternoon when I went to set up for the campfire in the back woods, I treked through the fields barefoot just as I had as a child. I felt the cool grass and the rich dirt against my skin. Growing up we never wore shoes if we were just running around the farm. Our hands and feet were always dirty and covered in the sketched design of thorny scratches on our skin. It's a part of who I am. This land, these 25 acres, are a part of my very essence (as cheesy as that sounds).

That's why when my parents talk about selling the farm and retiring to the beach, I feel such an utter despair. This place is my home. I may spend most of my time in cities and love the cosmopolitan lifestyle but nothing will ever replace my farm in my heart. I don't know a lot of happiness. My friends say I have an "unhappiness disorder" and that's about as straightforward as it can be. When I think of pure happiness, it's not my friends or family that come to mind (although they do play a large part in my life's happiness). Pure happiness, completely uncomplicated and untouched, is the land I grew up on. These 25 acres. Stone Bridge Farm.


- This post ended up being a lot more deep and philosophical than I intended. I feel compelled to say that I am not as classy as this post implies. The campfire party I hosted last night was nothing but a drunken night of sloppiness around a fire in the woods. Now, I am simply resting and recuperating before I start pre-gaming for a concert late. Because that's who I am. I'm a college kid. We pre-game everything. So, there you go. The real me - part introspective musings on the beauty of nature, part drunken sloppiness.


*Yes, melancholia. I aced the SAT Verbal test.

Yes, I did just update a few hours ago but the wonder of the clock makes it now a totally new day.

I have spent the night in a state of wonderment and learning.I have learned about the aye-aye lemur, Komodo Island, the kakopo parrot, and the Yangtze River Dolphin. Watch the video (1.5 hours long but worth every minute) or continue reading for a summer of what I learned:


The aye-aye lemur is a very rare species of lemur that lives on an island off of madagascar. It has not been seen in years, it is nocturnal, and it is rather odd-looking. One peculiarity of the aye-aye lemur is its very long and very thin middle finger, which it does not use to flip off angry drivers on the highway. There is only one other species of mammals with this anatomical feature and it is the long-fingered possum. Both of these animals have only one evolutionary specific fact in common - both the aye-aye lemur and the long-fingered possum live in a habitat without woodpeckers. This simple fact allowed both species to develop a way to extract nutrients from underneath tree bark. Life, and evolution, is opportunistic you see. The aye-aye lemur had the opportunity and it took it.


Komodo Island is home to the very rare Komodo Dragon. The Komodo Dragon is the real-life basis for Chinese dragon myths. It is a huge, scaly, man-eating lizard and while it does not breathe fire, the Komodo Dragon does in fact have one of the most pungent breath of any creature on Earth. But the dragon is not the only thing dangeous about Komodo Island, and there are 1500 of the killer dragons on the island. Komodo Island also just happens to be home to more poisonous snakes per square mile of land than anywhere else on Earth. And so if you visit Komodo, DON'T GET BITTEN (by a dragon with poisonous saliva or a snake with poisonous venom) because if you are bitten by something deadly, you will die.


The kakopo parrot is an endangered species that lives in New Zealand. Tonight I learned that New Zealand is really just a piece of land that emerged from the sea. And so for millions of years, before man made boats and traveled to the island and ruined everying, the only creatures on New Zealand were bird and some bats. It was also a completely predator-less habitat. And because there were no predators in the air or on the ground the kakopo parrot realized that it was easy to take to life on the ground and over many generations it forgot to fly. Another result of the predator-less environment was its complete trust. The kakopo parrot did not know how to worry. It had never had to worry for its life before and so it never developed a distrust of anything. When there are no predators, it is not necessary to reproduce quickly because that would just result in overpopulation and competition for resources. And so the kakopo parrot also developed a very slow, complicated, and mainly ineffective mating ritual. The male parrot produces a very low, rather unpleasant bass mating call. Base soundwaves can travel over great distances but it is impossible to tell where the call is coming from. On the off chance that a female parrot hears the call and likes the sound of it, it is nearly impossible for her to locate the male. But in the slim chance that she does locate him she will then only consent to mate if a certain fruit tree is in season. Completely ridiculous. All of these traits that evolved as a result of having no predators in the habitat, helped aid in the massive population drop that occurred when man introduced predators into New Zealand. The kakopo parrot were incapable of worrying or distrusting anyone and so the newly introduced predators could just walk right up to it and it wouldn't even run away. And when the population suddenly dropped the parrot did not have time to gradually evolve its mating habits and so it was impossible to repopulate with its ineffective mating ritual. It had existed successfully in a world defined by one fact - no predators. When that one fact changed, it's whole life changed.


The Yangtze River Dolphin is almost completely blind. It wasn't always so. Thousands of years of agriculture on the banks of the river caused massive amounts of mud and silt to wash into the river and so the river because turbid, impossible to see in. The dolphins adapted to this change by enhancing their sonar ability over several generations so that they had intense hearing that allowed them to navigate the river. Then, man introduced the deisel engine and suddenly the whole river was filled with sound. Once again the dolphin was incapable of navigating in its home. It is extinct now because of this and because China build a dam in the river. But the Yantze River Dolphin gives us an interesting truth to consider. Because of evolutionary history, different species have developed different ways of perceiving this world. Humans and the dolphins inhabited the same physical world but we perceived a completely different one. If it is true that you create your own universe by how you perceive it, then those dolphins and I lived in vastly different universes.




Well, I had a lot of fun learning at 1 AM. This is very convenient that I felt the urge to blog just now because I have a feeling today is going to be very busy and I probably would not have had any time to blog anyway.

Every group has one.

This morning, as I was leaving the house to go to my hair appointment my grandmother stopped me, frazzled. "Rosalee, what happened to your car?" she asked. I looked out the window to the driveway, imagining it wrecked and somehow having to explain to my parents that I didn't do it. But it was completely intact, just a little more interesting to look at.

My friends had tagged my car during the night. It's one of our longstanding prank traditions. Now I get the joy of riding around in the car with phrases that to strangers appears to be nonsense written on the windows. My favorite is on the windshield. It says, "You're a wizard, Harry."

Needless to say, I got some strange looks while driving around town today. But in an odd way it just reminds me how much I love my friends. We're just like every other group of friends. We have inside jokes no one else understands but we find hilarious. We are loud and obnoxious when we're all together in a group. We have the prankster, the ginger, the mom, the brain, the planner, the rebel, the slut, the busy one, the mature one, the pretty one, the fashionable one, the quiet one, the gay best friend (who isn't really gay but he always hangs out with 8 girls so it's still pretty accurate).

It wasn't until I went to college that I realized how lucky I am. Most people have one or two best friends from high school. And I do have my two Best Friends. And I have my 3 Best Friends from Syracuse. But I also have this very close group of friends from high school with whom I am still just as close as ever. And even more unusual is it's a group of 8 girls (and 1 guy). And maybe one or two of us will drift away but I truly think we have a solid core.

Now, I am devising the best way to prank Fitz back tomorrow at the field party. It will be epic.

I spent my day dating.

As in writing in the date. It was one of those tasks that is mindnumbing but comforting. I have the sort of mind that does not do well with inactivity. And so writing dates over and over again is the perfect activity for me when I am feeling lazy. I have to use exactly the right amount of brain.

Well...wow. This blog post has been about dating (and not the interesting boy-girl, relationship stuff). Fail.

And I just read Meg Cabot's most recent blog, in which she totally talks about Harry Potter World (and a conference and an Arcade Fire concert). So here I am, having gone to Harry Potter World and done several other fun blog-worthy things, and yet I am blogging about writing dates in books. What is wrong with me?

I might as well just give up now. I don't even feel like talking about the fun I had at the drive-in movies or the really cool Twinkie dressed as a cowboy I bought (well, it's a plastic case for you Twinkie shaped like a Twinkie dressed like a cowboy) or the party I'm planning. I am obviously a failure at blogging...and yet I still have to post this blog because it is BEDA.*

All I want to do is go eat ice cream but I can't because I'm lactose intolerant. Such is my life.



*Yes, I know I've already missed a day but that was because I was away from my computer so I'm giving myself a pass. But not to blog when I am perfectly able to blog just because I don't feel like it - that would be real failure.

I really was going to blog about Harry Potter World today. Honest.

It seems that I have a habit of waking up weird places with my friend Sam. This morning I woke up in the smallest bed ever with Sam. Now I have slept comfortably two people in a narrow college dorm bed but this was something else. This bed was seriously mini, which is ironic because it actually belongs to a 23 year old med student named Greg. And following the theme of other sleeping-in-odd-places experiences, I was, of course, hung over.*

As is the general way of hangovers, this one ruled my morning. I was no in a state to blog (even though I did consider it briefly). Then, my mother tells me today is the day we go shopping for my new apartment. And once mother and daught walk into Bed, Bath & Beyond, my day was signed over. I bought mixing bowls, pot holders, dish towels. If you need it to cook, clean, or just live life in an apartment** I bought it. Bed, Bath & Beyond was just the beginning. Target was the real show. Oh, boy did we get whisked away on that Target high.

I only just returned, exhausted and suddenly aware that I am turning 20 soon. Somehow buying a vacuum cleaner and a bathroom rug and cleaning supplies makes a girl feel old. Next year I won't have Mari Loli come to clean my apartment while I'm away at class. I am going to have to clean the toilet. Not that I think of myself as a spoiled kid who has never had to do any work around the house. I always do the laundry and the dishes and I have cleaned the bathroom before (a long time ago) but I've gotten used to having our sweet, little cleaning lady come by once a week. Now it's off to the real world where real people do real world things.

Now, obviously I have time to blog because I am blogging right this second but I don't have the energy to sort out my pictures and try to express the awesomeness of Harry Potter World in a blog post. I actually have to go in a minute to help cook dinner*** and then I'm meeting friends to go to the drive-in movie (because we live in the 1950s). So what with the shopping, the crabfeast about to occur, and fun activities with my friends, I have decided to once again put off my Harry Potter World post. At this point I'm going to say that I really do intend to blog about it but I'm not going to give a sworn oath that it will happen. I know myself too well.


*Sometimes I start to wonder if I drink too much. I'm a small girl, it can't be good for my lives to drink so much so young...but then I say "Screw it!" and take another tequila shot.

** like a GROWN UP. Holy. Shit. a GROWN UP.

*** and by dinner I mean make a salad and shuck some corn because we are having crabs tonight. I can smell the Old Bay as I type this and I can't wait to crack open the shells and slice my fingers up digging out all the delicious Maryland crabmeat. Oh, boy it's going to be great. My favorite summertime activity.

Some music for a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Much like yesterday, I do not feel up to a narrative blog today.* Mainly because I've already spent all day writing. I haven't been writing much this summer. My vacation from blogging was also a vacation from writing all together. I just didn't have any ideas. Only once did I start with a story idea but it fizzled out. Thursday night, a notion of an idea popped into my head. All day Friday I thought about it. And I started writing this morning. I haven't gotten far and it probably won't come to anything but it just feels good to be writing again, to be possessed by a story and its characters.

While I've been writing I've been listening to a lot of good music. I thought I would share a selection from my playlist here:

1. Baltimore - Tennis


2. Revival - Deerhunter


3. The Sound - Human Highway


4. Slow Motion - Panda Bear


5. Bombay - El Guincho


6. Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap


7. Albatross Albatross Albatross - Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band


8. Kiss of Life - Friendly Fires


9. Your English Is Good - Tokyo Police Club


10. Never Follow Suit - The Radio Dept.



*Tomorrow I promise to write about my trip to Harry Potter World, though.

This is Pip blogging in the morning (even though technically it's the afternoon).

...I am not motivated to blog today. I have begun the process of uploading my Florida pictures so tomorrow or Sunday will be the Harry Potter World Recap. For now I am going to give in and fill out a myspace survey (remembe myspace?!).
This one is called "75 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked." Well, I guess we'll see about that:

1. First thing you wash in the shower? - my face
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? - blue
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - yep
4.Do you plan outfits? - yep
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? - anxious
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? - my binder 
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? - i can't remember the last time I refered to aim...but i'd probably say IM, so neither
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? - it involved running for my life through a cemetery, a tree falling on my house, and camping
9. Did you meet anybody new today? - no, I have yet to leave the house
10. What are you craving right now? - ice cream
11. Do you floss? - yep
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? - sauerkraut
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? - 9th grade?
14. Are you emotional? - internally I am overly emotional, outwardly I am reserved (until I have a mental breakdown and it all just comes pouring out)
15. Would you dance to the taco song? - question mark?
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? - no, why would I need to?
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? - lick, I have sensitive teeth
18. Do you like your hair? - at the moment no, but in general yes
19. Do you like yourself? - well, that is a doozy of a question...
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? - sports celebrity count? Johnny Unitas, the greatest quarterback in history, was my next door neighbor
21. Do you like cottage cheese? - nope
22. What are you listening to right now? - complete silence
23. How many countries have you visited? - just Canada...God, that's depressing
24. Are your parents strict? - nope
25. Would you go sky diving? - yep
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? - hahaha NO
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? - well, that's a little mean
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? - nope
29. Have you ever been in a castle? - one of the schools near my house has an old building they call The Castle, does that count? I have also been in the play castle at my doctor's office.
30. Do you rent movies often? - redbox and netflix
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? - I haven't taken a math class since high school and it's summer so either way this is irrelevant
32. Have you made a prank phone call? - yep
33. Do you own a gun? - no
34. Can you count backwards from 74? - yes...if you can count forwards to 74, you can count backwards from 74.
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? - I don't know yet, maybe my brother or maybe some of my friends
36. Brown or white eggs? - white
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? - haha no
38. Ever been on a train? - yes
39. Ever been in love? - hmm...no, not really.
40. Do you have a cell-phone? - yep
41. Are you too forgiving? - probably
42. Do you use chap stick? - I can't live without my Burt's
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? - I have no idea...
44. Can you use chop sticks? - yes
45. Ever have cream puffs? - every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and New Years. I LOVE THEM.
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? - yes
47. What was the last question you asked? - "Do you want me to pick up the liquor?" (not joking, we're planning a party tomorrow...but now I come across as such a typical college student)
48. What was the last CD you bought? - download count? Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
49. Boys or girls? - boys
50. What is your bus number for school? - bahaha I have never taken a bus to school in my life
51. Is your hair curly? - yep
52. Last time you cried? - two weeks ago, driving home from Friendly's
53. Ever walked into a wall? - no...
54. Do looks matter? - well, they aren't the most important thing obviously but I'm not going to lie, they matter a little bit (sounds shallow but obviously other qualities can overrule looks very easily)
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? - yes
56. Have you ever slapped someone? - haha YEP
57. Favorite time of the year? - used to be Gym Meet season...now, it's probably just summer
58. Favorite color? - turquoise 
59. Are you sarcastic? - yep
60. Do you have any tattoos? - not yet
61. The last person you held hands with? - probably one of my girlfriends
62. Do you sleep with the TV on? - no that is a waste of electricity
63. Where was your default picture taken at? - my brother's graduation so John Carroll University in Ohio
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? - yes
65. Do you like your life right now? - complicated question but I suppose, in general, yes
66. How often do you talk on the phone? - a couple times a day but I text more often
67. What is your favorite animal? - tie between unicorn and owl
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? - new dishes for my apartment from Target
69. Do you have good vision? - no I have horrible eyesight
70. Can you hula hoop? - not for very long
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? - depends...most cases no but I'm not going to say NEVER
72. Do you have a job? - babysitting
73. Can you handle the truth? - yes
74. What are you wearing? - blue t-shirt and white shorts
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? - yes


Well, that was pointless. I have definitely been asked many of those questions before. Oh, remember when these quizzes were the coolest things?

I need to start blogging in the morning.

Today was one of those days that was supposed to be relaxing--read a book, write, hang out with my dogs. But instead when I awoke from my confusing yet comforting dream I only dozed for about a minute before I remembered what day it was. I jumped out of bed and dashed to my computer cursing my universities registration procedures that have screwed me over multiple times already*. Then, for the next hour, I frantically and with mounting frustration navigated my school's registration site trying to fit all six of my first choice classes into an unrelenting schedule. It was a disaster. Unfortunately as I am  working on a double major with a minor every semester has to be perfect to meet my requirements on time**.  I made multiple calls to the English and Psychology departments to beg my way into classes. In the end, I fit everything but my psych class. But I am still holding out hope because I need to take this particular class this semester if I want to complete my minor on time***.

___
OK. Onto a real blog post.

After my stressful morning, I was possessed by the need to prepare for school. So I headed off to shop for school supplies, a therapeutic tradition for me. I just love buying school supplies. Deciding between binders, notebooks, legal pads. Stocking up on my favorite pens (I am very particular about my pens).  Choosing whimsical post-its in cheery colors. I bought so many index cards I was actually excited to use them.

Then, still on a high from schopping for office supplies I bustled over to Target...always a bad idea for a girl with a shopping addiction. I walk into Target and within five minutes my cart is filled. I don't even know how it happens. Everywhere I turn there is something I need to buy RIGHT NOW. On this trip I actually pretended to be a legitimate adult and cruised through the kitchenware section. I drooled over fancy coffee makers and adorable kettles. And of course I found the perfect set of dishes, so cute and colorful and on sale, just perfect for my apartment at school next year. I even bought a matching paper towel holder-thingy. Oh, the joy.

Some people need drugs or alcohol to get them through stressful times, to give them that high and take the edge off. Since I quit smoking cigarettes I've taken up shopping as my number one stress-reliever. It's stupid and it makes me sound so materialistic but really it's not about clothes or meaningless stuff. It's about that feeling I get. Maybe this next purchase will be the one to make me happy. Maybe all I've been missing in my life has been this yellow salad bowl. All this time I've been unhappy and all I needed was this scarf to make my life shiny and perfect. Maybe filling my life with all the right things, all the things a happy person would have, will make me into a happy person. Maybe...

It's stupid. But it's just one of those twisted lies my mind won't let go of. It's hard to separate that part of my mind from the reasonable side. Sometimes it's shopping. Sometimes it's my mind's battle over eating. Sometimes it's more serious. Whatever it is, it's exhausting. And on nights like tonight, I just want it all to stop so I can have some peace but I can't silence it. Tomorrow I'll try something else but right now I'm just going to curl up with a movie and try to escape for a while.

*Warning: this whole paragraph is going to be a pointless rant about registration.

**I have every semester from now until graduation mapped out including my study abroad programs. It needs to work.

***I have become so determined when it comes to dealing with this stuff. I hate my college's system. I came in with an extra semester of credits but I still get a lousy registration time and I get blocked out of classes I need for my major. People who have more seniority, more credits to their name, should get to register first. Instead all first and second years are blocked together in a random lottery for times regardless of credit hours logged. It's ridiculous.

Just pretend everything is going according to plan.

The Harry Potter World blog post is coming but first I have to upload pictures from my camera and I am lazy yet busy so it will probably take a couple of days. But it is on its way. By the end of the week I will have a blog post all about the pure awesomeness that is Harry Potter World.

Today, I'm just going to blog about life. Specifically waiting rooms at doctors' offices. Is there anything more dreadful than a waiting room? I attest that there is not.

This morning I woke up curled up on half of a loveseat with Syracuse Sam,* which in itself isn't odd. I've woken up much odder places with Syracuse Sam (and I realize that appears to imply something not wholely innocent but we're just gonna ignore it like mature adults and move on with our lives). Just two weeks ago we woke up in a waterbed with a blind cat sleeping between us and a painting of a really creepy clown on the wall above us. Weird.

Suffice it to say I didn't have the most restful night. The last thing I remember is sitting on the loveseat playing Halo 3. Anyone who knows me would not need me to explain that I was drunk at the time because Sober Pip does not play Halo 3 (or any kind of Halo game...or any video game other than Mario Kart on N64). And so when I woke up this morning, I found myself afflicted with a massive hangover.** Cut to Pip returning home to drive Grandma to her doctor's appointment.

As I stated above, doctors' waiting rooms are the most miserable places in the world. Sitting in a doctor's waiting room with piped in Easy Listening Sirius Radio for two full hours while hungover is nothing short of torture. Add to the scene a middle aged woman escorting her mother who won't stop talking about her timeshare in Florida and I'm pretty sure I was actually in one of the inner rings of hell that Dante missed in his account.

Obviously karma has finally decided to take effect because those two hours were so torturous the universe had to be fucking with me. The woman talked for two hours straight without pause. I don't even know if she paused to take a breath. And she had the worst Baltimore accent, which is endearing when it's my dad talking about his childhood memories or something but obnoxious when I am forced to listen to a woman's neverending list of what she wants to change about her timeshare (but the other owners have to agree but they won't which is rude because obviously they should know that Annoying Lady has impeccable taste in interior design and they should be grateful she's willing to lend her talents).

*SIGH*

In other life news, I saw Inception last night. It was amazing. When a movie is hyped up like this one I always go in with my expectations thoroughly checked by skepticism. Nothing is as good as they say. But in this case I was just blown away. Yes it was two and a half hours but I didn't even notice the length until the last ten minutes (when the action had stopped for practically the first time). I went to a 9:30 PM show and I didn't so much as check the time until midnight, which is the best test of whether a movie is dragging. It combined the elements of three my favorite kinds of movies the psychological mindbender of Shutter Island, the emotional honesty of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and the action and suspense of the Bourne movies. Also, I am now compelled to buy silk scarves and wear them every day like Ellen Page's character*** (Ariadne - such an awesome name, too. I adored the character).

Ok, I'm off to look up flights to Paris. Till tomorrow.



*Since one of my best friends from home and one of my best friends at school are both named Sam, it's easier to refer to them as Home Sam and Syracuse Sam. In real life it's much more confusing. Honestly, I'm almost ready to force one of them to change their name because I can't deal with this kind of stress.

**Thank you Burnetts. You always make me suffer but I just can't quit you. One day, when I have money to afford more expensive vodka I will undoubtedly leave you behind but it will be a bittersweet breakup because we have had some good times together and I will never forget that.

***How much do I love Ellen Page? Out of the two Juno stars, Ellen Page just blows Michael Cera away. Michael Cera just keeps playing the same part in the same quirky movie over and over again but Ellen Page is just a breath of fresh air.

For real this time.

It is August. In Baltimore, August means one thing - daily heat index over 100*. It also means daily blogging, something I have not attempted since April. I'm rusty but I have so much to blog about...so we're just going jump right in:

Since last I blogged, I have finished my first year of college and the summer has almost passed by completely. My stiff blogging fingers don't really know how to recount the past three months. In a perfect world I would be able to type up a post encompassing the funny anecdotes, the moments of turmoil, the bucket list achievements, the vast array of emotions. A lot happens in three months and for someone so introverted there are a lot of thoughts and emotions to process along with everything.

All I can manage today is a list of some of the top moments. Hopefully over the next few weeks I will be   filling in the blanks but I think I should spent most of the time after this post focusing on the present. I'm afraid that my three month hiatus will remain somewhat mysterious but I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

But before I go I will consent to share a few of the top summer moments missed on my blog:
1. My shopping addiction has grown into a serious problem. I've overdrafted my acount multiple times this summer. And yet I can't stop shopping. I can feel myself flying out of control. The mall has become my place of solace, my escape. I run to the mall to let of steam, to feel that high that can only come from buying new clothes (or books or shoes etc.). It makes me feel so materialistic but I know it's not about the things themselves but the feeling of temporary validation I've deluded myself into feeling with each purchase. Just another manifestation of the thorny psychological thicket that is my life.

2. I've made a fair amount of new friends** this summer. Our little group from high school has expanded to let in new branches from various college connections. So far everyone has been meshing surprisingly well. It's a new dynamic but I think it's a good change.

3. Along with making new friends, I've also reconnected with one particular old friend, the very same old friend that haunted my blog posts from last summer. But this time our meager friendship does not involve romance (just sexual tension). When I visited New York City a few weeks ago, I met up with none other than Nick. We talked for hours about life and relationships. I was surprised to find out that Nick, only a year old than I am, is already living his dream. It makes me want to hurry up and get a move on.

4. I did my first keg stand. I threw my first big party. I competed in a ruit tournament and made it to the semifinals. I went to my first legitimate (non-college) bar in New York City. And I've explored the world of beer beyond Natty Light.

5. I feel like there are many other things I should write about but if it's important it'll come up later on. These are just the first things that came to mind as I looked back on the summer. There's certainly been a lot going on in my life.

Overall the three months during whichI wasn't blogging were a much needed break. I've spent a lot of time reading. Now, it's time to get to work again and I promise blogging will be more interesting and coherent as the month goes on.

*Completely irrelevant: I am watching The Daily Show for the first time in a while. What's with the facial hair, Jon? You look like a pervy, pretentious professor.

**And, in one case, reconnecting with an old friend from middle school. As someone who hated middle school, I was nervous to start hanging out with a guy from my junior high class that I hadn't seen since 8th grade graduation. But it hasn't been awkward at all.

August starts with an A, too.

There are many things I should be blogging about today.

1. My trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studies in Orlando, Florida.
2. My summer.
3. Reasons why I have not been blogging.
4. Shark Week.

However, it is late and I shall only choose one for the sake of time. I obviously can't just jump into a recount of Harry Potter World because such astounding amounts of awesome cannot be typed up in less than ten minutes. Also, Shark Week is such a pivotal week in my life that it also deserves more than a few cursory sentences. My summer is almost over and a fair amount of events worth sharing have occurred so I don't think I should attempt a full summary in this rushed poster. And so that leaves No. 3 - Reasons why I have not been blogging.

I feel like this is such a cliche of a blog post. Return from long absence only to write a few quick, apologetic lines about why I was absent. But today is the beginning of a new month and a new blog every day challenge and so that is why I must do.

My reasons are as follows:
1. I have been keeping a journal by hand. My handwriting, especially my script, has improved greatly. I also write without editing, which is an interesting exercise. I can really just let my thoughts flow onto the page unfettered.
2. I have a new policy of only using the internet and my computer at the beginning and end to each day, which limits the time I have to devote to my online interests. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, and my e-mail have won the positions on the starting line up and as my time is now more limited (I am either rushing to get going with the day or fading fast into exhaustion at night), I rarely have time to do more than check in with the four main players. Any additional time I have for the internet has been either feeding my (now crippling) shopping addiction or taking care of important school/life responsibilities.
3. It has been a...summer of haziness and humidity. Meaning that, although many seemingly eventful things have transpired, I have been feeling tangled up in an odd mixture of emotions that I can't make much sense of, a situation that makes blogging difficult.


Oops. Really down to the last second here. End first BEDA post now.

Rest in Peace, Love

My old high school likes to hype up the "sisterhood" talk. It's a lot like a sorority in this way* and sometimes it feels fake, forced. Just because our parents paid $20K in tuition to send us to the same school doesn't mean I have a sisterly bond with every other girl at the school. And maybe that was true when I first arrived as a freshman but I really do believe now that I've come out on the other end that I am bonded with my NDP sisters. Our small, all girls high school was a wonderful place to spend 4 years, a unique and enriching experience that I look back on and credit with making me into the confident young woman I am today. My "sisters" are the only other young women who have shared the experience. Maybe we aren't all best friends but we are bonded by the influence NDP has had on our lives. And every single NDP sister, diverse as we all are, has one thing in common - we are all "loving, just and wise."

I bring this up because on days like today I am reminded of the power of this sisterhood.

In the early hours of Monday morning, one of my NDP sisters was found dead in her apartment at college. She was three years above me in school and I didn't know her personally except for how one knows the senior star of the lacrosse team and shining star of the senior class. She was beautiful and talented and a true NDP sister. Now, her untimely and unfair death has become a high-profile murder case, a front page news story.

This is the sort of thing that just devastates a community. Just like in the fall when one of my brothers' Loyola brothers passed away, I find my Facebook home page inundated with messages of "Rest in Peace." All of the message are from NDP sisters, girls who knew her well and girls who knew her as I did. We've all come together. Because we're a community. Maybe "sisters" is cheesy and overly sentimental but in this sort of situation it is true.

We lost one of our sisters today. It's tragic, devastating, unfair but we've come together as a community to show our support.

Rest in Peace, YL.

*And that's the main reason why I didn't rush...I was already in a sorority for 4 years and I feel like it was a more age appropriate experience in high school. Frankly, I'd feel stupid going through the whole "sisterhood" thing again.

Spending the Night with Shakespeare

Last night I spent the night with Shakespeare. It was just Will and I, up until the early hours of the morning, enjoying each other's company. I had a term paper draft to write that I had actually written early for once but then I decided yesterday that I wanted to rewrite the whole thing. So last night I started from scratch. I reread Othello in its entirety and watched this video multiple times:




"Somehow your handkerchief ended up at Cassio's place and now Othello think your fingers have been all over Cassio's keyboard so we gotta go!"

Re: Depression, etc.

The amazing Hayley G. Hoover wrote up an amazing blog post yesterday and it served two purposes for me. First, it was on a topic very significant in my life. And second, it reminded me that it's still April and I need to keep blogging even though I've already lost the challenge.

Hayley's blog was about depression. I've already written several personal blog posts this month about my own struggle. I wasn't planning on writing another one but when I read Hayley's blog, it reminded me of something that happened recently that was really meaningful.

The thing about my depression is that even though I don't write about it a lot on my blog, it is something I deal with virtually every day. Some days it's harder than others. I wake up and I just have to try so hard to be happy. With depression, I have to try to be happy. I try so hard. And sometimes by the end of the day I just give up.

It's an odd thing to describe without sounding melodramatic but sometimes at the end of the day I just give up trying to be happy. That's the point where I normally have to distract myself with something, keep my mind occupied. Or I go find people to be with, not necessarily to confide in but just to be around. Being alone is dangerous for me.

Well, on Friday night I was feeling worn out. It was just one of those times that I couldn't try to be happy anymore and just had to give up. I should have gone and found a friend or found something to cheer myself up but even that was too much. At these moments I've found two things that help. I can play the piano or I can write. I have no piano at school and so instead I just started to write. It helps a lot to write, to put feelings into words, but at first it just makes it all feel much more real and raw. That's where I was when my phone rang.

Now, I don't know exactly what I believe in. I consider myself an agnostic. I don't know how I feel about religion but sometimes I have to acknowledge that maybe there is a greater power. Because sometimes you get a phone call at the very moment when you need it the most and you have to think that someone or something, God or your guardian angel or just the universe, was looking out for you.

I think something told Jocelyn that I needed her at that moment. She said she didn't have any particular reason to call except that she loved me and wanted to make sure I had a good day. She didn't know I was alone and struggling. I think somehow God or whatever power is in the universe knew I needed my best friend more than ever at that moment.

When I answered the phone, just the sound of my best friend's voice brought tears to my eyes. Jocelyn knew right away something was wrong and she knows enough about my depression to recognize it just from how I sighed and stuttered when she asked what was up.

"Are you feeling sad and you can't get happy again?" she asked. And that's exactly what it is. When I fall into a depressive state I just feel overwhelmingly sad and I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Then, Jocie said the one thing that I needed hear more than anything else in the world."Well, you know I love you, right?"

And even though it's hard having my best friend two hundred miles away, sometimes Godorwhatever just makes sure she's there for me when I need her the most. I know it's hard for my friends and it's something that plagues me as I struggle with my depression. I've listened to Jocie and Julia cry (even sometimes yell at me) and tell me that I was breaking their hearts. They want me to be happy. They want to help me. But all they can do is love me. That's how I get through my depression. My friends save me even when I think I'm beyond saving.

When Jocie called on Friday night, she saved me just by loving me.

A Weekend.

I have now realized that missing one day of blogging just leads to missing several. In all honesty, however, I have been sick these past two days. Lack of sleep is finally catching up with me. Apparently, even college students need to sleep occassionally.

I suppose a recap of my weekend is needed...
Thursday night: jello shots, drunk
Friday night: jello shots and rum, drunk
Saturday night: vodka, drunk

There were activities to go along with the beverages. Parties, dancing, hookingupwiththatguy. Overall, it was a good weekend.

There were also sober activities during the day such as a trip to the mall (very successful), smoking, stealing a huge bag of popcorn from the dining hall. My friends and I are quickly becoming known as those weird girls from the 7th floor...but we don't care.

Now I need to take some meds, go to sleep, and hopefully tomorrow I will be rested and recuperated enough to partake in a certain holiday's activities.

Failure

I didn't blog yesterday....and this is about all I will be blogging today.

Obviously I am a failur. Here is the song that is stuck in my head:

HUGS

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not anyone can actually help people in this world. I just wrote up a blog post including a page from my private journal but I don't think I can post it.* Suffice it to say, I've been struggling with my conflicted feelings over not being able to help my friends even as I don't let my friends help me.

Instead of grappling with that issue I'm going to focus my attention elsewhere. Specifically, HUGS.

I am not a touchy-feely person. I am not really a HUGS person. I'm sure this is deeply rooted in the psychological damage caused by may parents' emotional detachment** but I am just not comfortable with haphazard hugs.

I am not against all hugs. I hug my close friends all the time. I love a good hug from one of my girls. But I am just not a HUGGY person. Some people are just HUGGY. Like Sam and Julia. Very HUGGY. They hug everyone. They put down their trays in the dining hall to give huge, enthusiastic hugs. They hug everyone.

They are also be cuddlers and it's the same situation for me. I like to snuggle but only with whom people I'm really comfortable. I love to snuggle with my best friends but I'm not one of those people always cuddling with everyone.

I think it's because I'm more reserved. I don't mean I'm a shy person. I just mean that it takes a lot to get to know me. I'm easy to be friends with but I'm hard to get to know. It's a defense mechanism. I can't just be one of those girls who runs down the hall to give hugs to everyone even my friends. I'm not one of those girls who tells everyone "I love you!" *kisses!*

Once I get to that level with my friends it means something.*** Just because I don't run around telling everyone I love them and giving crazy hugs doesn't mean I'm cold and heartless. Just because Sarah and Maria run around hugging and snuggling with everyone doesn't mean that they are better friends. A lot of it is fake. When I give a HUG (all caps), it's real.



*It delved a little too deeply into my depression, which is something I prefer to deal with privately.

**Is it weird that I honestly can't let my parents touch me? And that sounds more cryptic than it is. I mean I can't sit too close to my parents on the couch and stuff like that. My dad likes to come up and just grab me affectionately but I always jump away. I physically cannot let my parents near me and yet all I want is for my parents to be emotionally closer. Just another issue to talk to the therapist about.

***Even with guys, it's this way. I'll admit that I am perfectly fine having sex with someone with whom I'm not that close (I know I shouldn't admit that and it's not like I'm a slut or anything but I have a sex life) but for me to actually be comfortable enough to be touchy-feely and affectionate takes a lot more.

Hi, My Name is Pip and I'm a Music Snob

Another sunny day in Syracuse. I could get used to this weather.

I don't really have anything to blog about today. I made a mixtape yesterday so I think I'll just share that. For once this mix isn't made up of folk songs, indie bands, classical piano pieces, or acoustic melodies. This time I went for my favorite hip hip and mashup songs of the season. I've always been a music snob* and I didn't listen to much hip hop because I thought it was all mainstream crap only acceptable for school dances and ragers**. But I have a few good friends at college who have turned me onto good hip hop and rap. I've gotten into house music and dubstep a lot lately but this mix doesn't feature much.

All of this is just to say that here are the songs I've been listening to. They just happen to be rap and hip hop.

Pip's Spring 2010 Mixtape
1. Let's Get Fucked Up - Start Trouble
2. Driving Me Crazy - Sam Adams
3. No Man's Land - B.o.B aka Bobby Ray
4. I Be High - Kid Cudi
5. Name on a Cloud/Wassup - Wiz Khalifa
6. Lemonade - Gucci Mane
7. The Nosebleed Section - Hilltop Hoods
8. Up, Up & Away (the Wake & Bake Song) - Kid Cudi
9. Chillin - Wale ft. Lady Gaga
10. I Hate College - Sam Adams
11. Opposite of Adults (MGMT remix) - Chiddy Bang vs. Passion Pit
12. United States of Pop 2009 - DJ Earworm
13. I Feed These Streets - B.o.B. aka Bobby Ray
14. What You Know about Little Secrets (The White Panda remix) - T. I. vs. Passion Pit
15. Stuntin Like Mufasa - Lil Wayne vs. Lion King
16. I Get Around - Tupac
17. Cooler Than Me - Mike Posner
18. Memories - David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi
19. Nothin' on You - B.o.B. aka Bobby Ray
20. Eenie Meenie - Justin Bieber ft. Sean Kingston
21. Heads Will Roll (Yeah Yeah Yeahs remix) - Sam Adams
22. I Want You D.A.N.C.E. - Jackson 5 vs. Justice
23. Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
24. Office Musik (The Office remix) - Lil Wayne
25. Pretty Girls - Wale ft. Gucci Mane
26. Tipsy in the Sun (The White Panda remix) - Weezer vs. J Kwon
27. One of These Days - Wu Tang Clan
28. Man on the Moon - Kid Cudi

Also, I just downloaded the Local Natives album. Very springtime. I'm just overdosing on good music right now.

*Friend: What are you listening to?
  Me (with a smirk): Oh, you've never heard of them.

**Yes, ragers. I've already explained. I'M A TOOL. Also, exception to the ragers rule: I've actually been into house music and classics like Tupac and Biggie for a while, even outside of ragers. This mix is a testament to new hip hop and rap that I have discovered.