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Confession: I stopped writing a while ago. And I'm done being ashamed about it. It didn't feel right. This year wasn't a year for writing. I was just torturing myself and I know that's part of wha NaNoWriMo is supposed to be about but not for me. I've participated in NaNoWriMo three times before and it was always hard, challenging but ultimately fun. It was a rewarding experience. And this year it did not feel right. I could have pushed through but I think I made the right decision.

Right now I am sitting in my house, home for Thanksgiving break. I am back in my favorite chair on my computer just like old times. Last time I visited home everything just kind of felt awful. There were bad feelings still rippling on the surface and it was not a good experience. This time it's all calmed down and it actually feels nice.

My parents are watching the History channel at the moment. It's a special on the White House and they have Laura and G. W. on talking about it. I am a steadfast Democrat and policy-wise disagree with the former president, but, honestly, I kind of like the man. He's endearing. Not really a good president but a nice guy. And listening to Laura and Dubya talk about the White House is kind of sweet.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 19. I've never been much of a birthday person. This year I'm not really doing anything except getting dinner with my friends. My mom bought me cupcakes from Graul's, which was just about the greatest birthday surprise ever. My grandfather and my godparents actually forgot my birthday this year. A little disconcerting. I come from a big family but I'm the youngest of the cousins and I'm often just overlooked. I'm used to it. In some families, the youngest child is spoiled but that's not the case for me. There are just so many other children that I'm just lost at the back of the line. But it's ok. I'm not one to want to be the center of attention, hence my aversion to birthdays.

All I want for my birthday is to see all my old friends. And so I'm very excited to do just that tomorrow.

Nostalgia at 4 AM

I always feel the urge to blog at 4 AM. And so here I am.

Tonight I am listening to Bruce Springsteen, specifically the album Nebraska. I will declare this album as one of my all time favorites. I love Bruce Springsteen. Whenever I listen to The Boss, I feel an overwhelming nostalgia. I cam by his music through my father. This was the music of my childhood. When I listen to these songs I hear my dad singing along horribly off key.

This music makes me want to go home more than ever. I want to go home to Baltimore.

Distressed

I hate to do this. I'm still behind on NaNoWriMo even though I wrote ten thousand words Wednesday night (I didn't sleep). And I've just run out of ideas. I don't really like my story. I've been jumping back and forth in the narrative. I've switched narrators three times. I've jumped forward and backward in my characters' lives. Nothing is working. I jut can't get these characters to work with a cohesive plot. Nothing is working. I'm at 15,000. I wanted to get to 25,000 today. I skipped my class and my volunteer hours to write all day long. I just thought I would force myself. But the more I work on it the more I just want to change my novel completely. It's just so disheartening.

I know it's just a stupid dare. NaNoWriMo isn't the end of the world. A lot of people are busy during the month of November. Most people can't write 50,000 words in 30 days.

But to me it's different.

Writing is what I love to do. I've always looked forward to NaNoWriMo. I know I can write 50,000 words in a month because I've done it 3 times already and I loved the experience. I'm a writer. I love to write. It's what I want to do with my life. And it sucks that I'm failing right now.

I've failed at so many other things in my life but I've always been a writer. And now it feels like I've lost writing, too.

I don't want to give up and I don't want to fail but I just can't see anything working this year.



And on top of all this, I'm trying to work out my schedule for next semester. I'm taking 19 credits (6 classes) and it is the most awful schedule ever. Not only are the class times horrible but the actual classes suck. I'm trying to finish my core so I have to take boring science and history classes. Normally I would be fine with this because I can balance it out with fun classes for my majors. But next semester my required classes for my English major and my Journalism major are bother horrible.

I have 8 AM Spanish Monday through Thursday. Monday and Wednesday my classes go until after 6 PM. The only redeeming part of my schedule is that I don't have anything on Friday.

I'm just grumpy. I just want to play the piano but I feel like I need to force myself to write today. But at the same time it's just making me feel horrible and I don't deserve that. Argh!

All Night

2:43 AM
Trying to make up for lost NaNoWriMo time in one night. We'll see how it goes. Should be a fun experience, especially considering that I didn't sleep last night either. I have been awake for 42 hours and I don't even feel sleepy yet. I'm not going to think ahead. I'm not going to worry about perpetuating my sinus infection (I don't really need hearing in my right ear). I'm not going to question why I am wide awake. I am just going to take advantage of this opportunity.

Last night I wrote all night but not for NaNoWriMo. Tonight I am taking up the challenge again. I am going to write all night.

Happy But Not Right

I'm still not talking about NaNoWriMo. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm very upset about it actually, not because I'm failing but because I feel like I'm letting a part of me slip away. Why am I not writing? I can't be myself if I don't write. And I haven't played the piano in weeks. I don't like to think about it because it upsets me.

I'm happy, though. I think I'm happy. I haven't had a bad day in weeks. I used to have multiple bad days in a week. At the same time, I feel like this happiness is suppressing a part of myself. Is it possible that I actually secretly desire my old misery? That's sick. I'm just not used to feeling happy. I don't really know how to explain it. Yes, those days are bad when they come, dangerous even, but at the same time it's when I produce my best music and my best writing.

Why can't I ever just be satisfied in my life? I'm either stuck in a back hole or I'm perfectly happy yet somehow unfulfilled.


In other news, I am slacking off in my classes. Procrastination has taken over again. Fed by a recent sickness. Make this the fourth sinus infection this year. Could there be a more disgusting sickness?

And what else does my life need right now but drama. Basically, I have this bad habit of getting drunk and hooking up with this guy. It's complicated because we're friends, he's into me and I thought I didn't like him but now I'm wondering why my drunken self likes to hook up with him so much. I don't want to lead him on but why do I keep getting drunk and hooking up with this kid?

The icing on the cake that was my week - we had to put down Lazy Sun, one of the horses I had grown up with. He was old but I learned to ride on him and he was a great, great horse. He was a great racehorse in his day but I knew him as the friendly old guy who was there all my childhood.

Ramble Ramble Rawr!

Let's not talk about NaNoWriMo. No, really. Don't ask me about it. Also, don't ask me about life in general.

I am sick. I am behind in NaNoWriMo. I am behind in classes. I am tired. My throat hurts. And all I feel like doing is complaining. [Note: My friend, who is also sick, just sneezed and it sounded like Donald Duck. I declare that sneeze the single-most, epic sneeze in the world. Sneezing is normally a sad activity but if my sneezes sounded like Donald Duck I would just love sneezing. It would make me happy to sneeze and pretend I was Donald Duck because I'm sure Donald Duck never gets sick and complains about life like I do all the time.]

In other news, the health care bill passed in the House. I have nothing to say about this except, "Yay." And I'm not being sarcastic. I really am happy. I just don't feel like talking about politics. I know I know. Why did I bring it up, then? Well, because I needed to change the subject from complaining and it was the first piece of news that popped into my head.

Oh here's a fun topic. [And in case you haven't noticed I am obviously just writing this to avoid my work.] Shit. My friends and I were just discussing poop and how pooping together really bonds people together. That's all I have to say on the topic but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Now my friend just brought me a Ricola cough drop. The worst part of being sick is Ricola. But I do what I need to do. I like the lemon part of Ricola but I have issues with the honey. I just don't like honey. Oh, well.

I guess I could talk about my life. Remember how I hooked up with Peter Pan? Well, now we're friends and he tried to hook up with me again on Saturday night. That's really all there is to that story.

Why can't I just find a guy I actually like and hook up with him? Instead I just have ceramics majors trying to get in my pants. Not just any ceramics major, though, I crazy ceramics major. He's already been to rehab and he's 18. He said he tried being sober for a few months and decided that drugs and alcohol were just more fun. I mean I love this kid. He's hilarious. But I don't want to hook up with him (but I probably will because that's what I do...hook up with people I don't like that is. It's actually rooted in a deep-set psychological problem regarding my low self esteem and intimacy issues).

Ok, that's all the rambling I can do for one day. Don't look at me like that. I'm a horrible person.

Just WRITE

Wordcount: 5,003

I have just discovered Write or Die. I wrote 1,000 in 30 minutes last night. They were crap words but I got that stupid scene written. I think I will be visitng Write or Die a lot this NaNoWriMo. I am also throwing out my half finished outline just because I can. I really just want to get to know this character. He's disturbed in all the best ways so I'm just going to see where he takes me.

[Random Interjection: My roommate just texted me. It reads, "Pip!!! I am going to choke you tonight!!" See the abuse I take? Haha I probably deserve it*]

My goal for tonight is 8,000. If I use Write or Die again I could reach that point in an hour and a half but that's if I want another 3,000 crap words. I am giving myself 2 hours to devote to Nano tonight because I have a major test tomorrow. NaNoWriMo during college is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Here's my realization: Whatever I write this month is going to be crap.

But I need to stick it out for the whole month. I haven't been writing since I came to college, which is distressing. NaNoWriMo is just going to throw me right back into writing. And hopefully I'll end up with a crap first draft that might hold a tiny fragment of a good novel hidden in its depths. I already know that I love this character. I am going to take these 50,000 words to see where he takes me. I have a storyline and a plot idea but I am going to throw away the scene-by-scene outline I started out with. Not that it was necessarily a bad outline. I'd just rather do some explorative writing without being boxed in by an outline.

I am a very slow writer by nature. I have the worst inner-editor. She just won't shut up. I'm lucky if I write 1,000 in a day. NaNoWriMo is all about silencing my strict inner-editor and getting the ideas out of my head. So that's what I'm going to do.

Right now. WRITE NOW!**

*Roomie and I are friends. I am fairly certain she was joking just now. I don't think she will actually strangle me in the night.

**Sorry. That was uncalled for.

College + Halloween = Pip Making Poor Decisions

Yes, NaNoWriMo has begun but I have to question the creators. Why does it have to start the day after Halloween? I don't think Chris Baty, whoever he is but he sends me e-mail for Nano so I'm assuming he's in charge, realizes how long it takes a college student to recover from Halloween weekend.

Here's the rundown:
Thursday night - shitfaced black cat, violently dance-raped into a bench by an army soldier resulting in painful bruises on both my shins, ended the night by dancing on a table and then staying up until 5 AM talking with kids who live on my floor

Friday daytime -class hungover but still managed to get into a debate that started as a discussion of gender roles in Early Modern Europe but somehow turned into the ethics of having children, then I went to the mall and bought halloween costume supplies and a new scarf to add to my collection, also the 99c store is my new favorite place, I bought a truly hideous puppy mug and a dvd double feature (that's right 2 movies for 99c, one of them is called The Lady and the Highwayman and apparetly stars Hugh Grant)

Friday night - shitfaced fairy, a mime hit on me, michael jackson got me beer, and t pain danced with me, I had a flower wand that I would use to give people fairy dancing magic, ended the night as That Girl at a party of all Asian kids

Saturday daytime - recovering

Saturday night - notsoshitfaced Fanta girl, it was a diverse night including partying at the asian frat and the hispanic frat, walking the streets was like a flashback to trick-or-treating as a kid because everyone was walking from different house parties in costume but all the girls were really slutty and instead of getting candy at each house we got alcohol, I also may or may not have pulled a Senior Week and peed on the side of the road, I ended the night with good old-fashioned sexonthedancefloor dancing with Peter Pan, regretted hooking up with the kid when I realized that he lived on the floor above me in my dorm

[More on that last:
We were walking down the street after the hispanic frat party was busted. I had just left my brother a horrible message because I had to get away from a creepy senior guy. Then, I was saved when I caught sight of our friend Angel who lives on the 8th floor of our dorm. He was with his other friends from the 8th floor and so we joined forces and decided to chill for the rest of the night.

I guess I really must have hit it off with the 8th floor guys because I ended up peeing in front of them on the side of the road and then going to a party with them. Of course the party they took us to just happened to be where all the other 8th floor people were. Julia, Lina and I were the only 7th floor girls and when we got on the dance floor all three of us ended up hooking up with th guys we were dancing with...Now, all of the people on the 8th floor know us as the 7th floor hoes.

Honestly, dancing/making out on the dance floor in a sketchy basement while dressed like a slut and not wearing any shoes - never felt so trashy. College + Halloween = Pip making poor decisions. The guy wasn't even cute. He was dressed as Peter Pan. Seriously. Peter Pan was not - innocent at all. Dear God. He's a nice guy, though. We have the same taste in music and he's a vegetarian, too. I'm glad I didn't sleep with him because now we can actually be friends.

Halloween Halloween Halloween. Making fun college memories, I suppose.]

Overall it was an eventful weekend. There was drama with all the girls on our floor but I'm not letting it bother me. I found my close friends here but I still have to remember that I've only known these people for two months. Sometimes its easy to forget that when you're living so close with everyone.


Now, I'm just ready to lie in bed all day. Napping, recovering, watching the Ravens game, and getting to work on my novel.