Maybe I need a new life plan...

It's 10 PM. I have an essay due tomorrow and I haven't started. It's not that I don't find the topic interesting...it's just that I don't want to read or write or do anything. I wish I could be one of those people who can get work done efficiently. I can't even focus on subjects I love and yet I'm putting myself into all kinds of debt just to be here.

God, I'm such a hopeless human being. I'm going to go cry in the shower now. And then read Bacon's Essays until I cry myself to sleep. But don't worry. I definitely hate myself for crying over my privileged life when there are children dying of hunger all over the world. I've got all the proper self-loathing. I've been here before. I know the rules.

Also, I really wish I had a comfier desk chair. That would probably vastly improve my situation. Yes, a new desk chair will soothe all of my psychological pain. God, I really hate this fucking chair. It makes me want to puke.

My life is so goddamn difficult!*



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*Oh la dee da and fiddle dee dee! War, war, war - all this war talk is spoiling all fun at every party this spring.

February 2011 vs February 2012

On Friday I got lunch with my friend Spencer at a cute little cafe by my house. I ordered a tuna melt, of course. We read the new issue of British Cosmo (only to discover that the British version isn't full of ridiculous sex advice like the American one, or at least this issue wasn't). And we talked about Valentine's Day.

"So what did you do last year on Valentine's Day? Who were you thinking of?" Spencer asked.

I just laughed in her face. I'm pretty sure I was thinking of killing myself. And I think I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. My parents may or may not have threatened to pull me out of school...it was really romantic. 

Actually, I don't remember the specific day, February 14, 2011, but that was the theme of last winter so when I look back on November-April of last year all that comes to mind is that scenario on repeat for six months. It's funny now, a year later, to look back on that time and realise that I let the details of my life just slip away, swallowed up by the sickly darkness of my depression. I don't even remember my classes very well. All I remember from those six months is snow, crying in my shrink's office, and sitting alone on my bed wishing I didn't exist. I've blacked out everything else.

What a difference a year makes. This year I have a big spoon, but I have been very careful about avoiding anything Valentine's Day related. It will be just another Tuesday filled with stress over my essays. I've only been dating Big Spoon for a month or two* so Valentine's Day really couldn't have come at a more awkward time. In general, however, I don't really see the point of worrying about the holiday. For couples in serious relationships I think it's a nice holiday, and I like the idea of a day set aside for loved ones. But my holiday will consist of stress, Jacobean revenge tragedies, and chocolate. After Valentine's Day, however, I have decided to have the official "what is this-where are we" talk with Big Spoon, so I am mildly terrified about that.


*A month from our first official date, but we've been "talking"/"hooking up"(to use the most ambiguous terms) since my birthday.

February

I just had to change a song that came up on my shuffled iTunes because it was too happy. That should give you an idea of my general state of mind at the moment.

It is February. It's cold and grey. I have no energy. And I am bogged down in constant reading that never, ever ends. I know I'm an English major so reading shouldn't be a burden...but sometimes Oxford's style of tutorials just becomes a bit tiring. It's a constant stream of work. There is never a break. It's two months of reading-then writing-then more reading-then more writing-repeat ad nauseam. I won't have a break until March 7. Yes, I have started the countdown. My last essay of term is due Wednesday, March 7 at 18:00. 5 more weeks and 10 more essays. And I'm already feeling rundown.

Then there are the other things: I'm broke but I am trying to plan a tour of Europe, which seems like an impossible dream; I am seeing a new guy and as exciting and fun as it can be, it also brings up a lot of anxieties and insecurities; all winter I have been steadily gaining weight and for someone with a rough history when it comes to body image and weight perception even just a few extra pounds can be catastrophic for my psyche; I am trying to graduate this summer, which means I have to deal with all of the administrative details of credit transfer and fulfilling subject/major requirements; and I also have to figure out what I will be doing this fall...and then possibly for the rest of my life.

So yeah. It's February.

And I just want to curl up under the covers and forget about life until winter is done and gone.